Gary's Blog

For several days I have been wrestling with organizing activities for the Sevenoaks Helper Community, some 28 of us. As with any group, there are lots of challenges. And I have my patterns of pushing my ideas or collapsing into despair when my ideas are not accepted.

The past few days I have been anxious and nervous. Pat was shocked! To her I seem focused and clear in my life.

As a young lad I trusted the justice of Life. Be a good, performing, obedient boy, good things happen. Be a bad boy, God or Life or Dad or the teacher or Society would punish. It was a kind of reward/punish sense of life. It was comfortable. I got the rules. They seemed to work.

The phrase, “Personal relationship with Jesus Christ,” has always been a phrase I have struggled with. …

In meditation and conversations with Pat this morning I could see a pattern in me of going through the motions of being on an intense spiritual path, Pathwork in my case, purportedly to reach greater consciousness and fulfillment in living but perhaps not really having any intention of waking up and experiencing greater consciousness, fulfillment, and happiness.

Sitting in front of Ed, my therapist. Silence. Awareness of the ever-present tension in my belly arises. I choose to hold it tenderly. I do not judge the tension with, “If I had my act together I would have no tension; obviously I’m messed up, my anxiety proves it.” I let go of the shame of not knowing. I can hold the tension.

No answers here. No answers needed. Just be in this sea of lostness. Yes, settle in, snuggle up.

Today I see yesterday’s writing as not quite complete. Intimacy alone is not enough. Or rather perhaps, intimacy must be more carefully defined. Intimacy can be mental and even involve talking about emotions without being in and feeling the emotions I am talking about. It seems that true intimacy involves connecting from the felt sense of the emotions we feel.

I’ve been taking in family experiences of others these days. In a few cases I’m struck by a kind of family belonging feeling among these family members I observe. And for the first time I recognize the unfamiliarity of this family-belonging feeling in my own growing up.

During meditation yesterday morning I reflected on what might be the best days of my life. What kinds of things would arise? Birth of my children? Accomplishments? Applause? A Religious Experience? A day in a special relationship?