Overcoming Fear of God
The past few days I have been anxious and nervous. Pat was shocked! To her I seem focused and clear in my life. And that is true, but something is off somewhere. Then my Pathwork friend Jenny helped me get more into the roots of the matter. The matter was at once simple and profound.
I am in my comfort zone when I organize thoughts, plan events, and manage processes. And I’ve been doing this of late, especially with Pathwork activities including working on budgets for our school, helping to hire key staff, and organizing conference calls and meetings. People in general respond positively to my contributions here. But then I was asked to lead a conversation on something I am involved in to a group of Pathwork leaders in my community.
I froze at the thought. It was as if I were in the middle of a soccer field and someone kicked me the ball and I was now “on” to move the ball forward. I could not. I needed my notes, my plans. I could not simply let go of my mind and ego and let my body and heart run with the ball. I could not be spontaneous.
Jenny probed. “Is this familiar?” I could recognize that it is indeed all too familiar. And affects me big time, blocking out much of Life that wants to manifest through me. Then I found myself in the middle of editing my recording of Pathwork Lecture 213, The Spiritual and the Practical Meaning of “Let Go, Let God.” Here it was all spelled out in front of me. The letting go is the letting go of my ego, that part of me that plans, organizes, documents, and analyzes. Oh yes my sense is that I am creating these things that flow up from my intuitive God Self, this in my comfortable introvert mode. But then there is the catch — my uncomfortable extrovert mode. I now can’t let go and let God spontaneously play the game on the field, being fully present and responding in each moment to each other person on the field.
I see that this holds me back in many areas, especially in being faithful to my own arisings in so many dimensions of my life. My core God Self is ready to play the game of Life, but my ego holds on for dear life. So I don’t become the teacher I might become. I don’t become the lover I might become. I don’t become the original thinker I have the capacity to be. I don’t manifest my life coach or helpership practice. All of these require a letting go of my Ego control and letting God, the God within, my Divine nature, my Christ Consciousness, burst forth onto the field of Life. I feel all bound up by my ego and its patterned behavior.
On a deeper level then I trust my ego, with its careful planning and control of life, more than I trust my God Self deep within my essence. On some level I am afraid of the God within! Releasing God and letting God manifest through my being would mean being out of Ego control. Danger. What I see is that I am afraid of this God of spontaneity, this God of the Present Moment, this God of Life.
Let this sink in. Dare I find the courage to let go of my ego and let God run my life? We’ll see. Who knows what can manifest when I let go and let God!