Whom Do I Trust?


Blue-eyed Mary

Blue-eyed Mary

As a young lad I trusted the justice of Life.  Be a good, performing, obedient boy, good things happen.  Be a bad boy, God or Life or Dad or the teacher or Society would punish.  It was a kind of reward/punish sense of life.  It was comfortable.  I got the rules.  They seemed to work.  The choice of behavior was mine.  And in that sense I ultimately trusted my own sense of whom and what I trusted — here the Justice of Life.  Most of my life was played out of this reward/punishment belief.  


Then at 57 I chose disobedience and divorce.  I stopped trusting the reward/punishment sense of life.   An act of individuation they call it.  Here again, I see, I was trusting my own sense of what to trust, and this time I chose to trust my mind’s sense of things.  I took my life into my own hands so to speak, no longer trusting the system of reward/punishment, be it God, Life, or Society as the rewarder/punisher.  This would have been a mature step at 17, but was harmful and painful for all concerned at 57!   I feel remorse in all of this.  

Whom or what do I trust today?   After ten years I clearly see that my mind’s sense of things is not the answer either.  My mind doesn’t know enough!

So to what or to whom do I turn to trust?

Do I trust Pathwork?   Well yes, especially early on, and then no.  What happens for me is that Pathwork and other similar teachings resonate with my inner being.  In the resonance a deeper Truth Source within awakens.  What is happening it seems to me is that I am coming to trust a deeper sense of my own Self, my God Self.  Christ within.  Christ Consciousness. Buddha Nature. Call it what you will.  This is a felt sense of Truth, a deep Knowing beyond my cognitive mind.  From here there is no real need to debate truths.  I can be open to what resonates in me, and OK hearing what resonates with others.  I sense a deep grounding.  Freeing indeed.

Then I notice that the entire issue of trusting becomes vague.  Trusting seems less necessary.  I arrive at a felt sense within where there is nothing to fear, so really no need to trust as I earlier considered that word and idea.  

Of course I do fear, and often.   I am human.  But I am more OK with my fear and can sometimes calmly trace my fears back to their source and, if persistent, release them.  In any case the question itself of whom to trust beyond Life itself becomes less and less relevant to me.  A felt sense of freedom and love arises.