Gary's Blog

I resisted negative feelings such as helplessness, hopelessness, loss, and sadness. I denied these feelings in myself and raised huge walls of resistance against feeling them.

I can see plainly my commitment to productivity and effectiveness … And I was blind to any downside to such a skill.

…I have been in a foul mood for several days. The clouds would lift for a while, but then come swooping in again. I would just watch and be curious, and perplexed, about what this was all about.

…my sense of being peripheral to key decisions left me feeling an outsider.

… shadow work is for the second half of life, or Midlife. The first half of life is time for building up one’s ego and one’s mask self that “fits in” with the culture.

…as I sit with this angst it arises in me the notion that my deep needs for belonging are not being met very well.

My surface emotions relate to, “Are the financials I provided to the team on Friday right?” “Oh my! If they are not I am bad.” “Will I be able to hold space for our Helper Group phone call today? If not, what will happen?”

My classmates seemed very skilled in stepping into practice Helper sessions, whereas I felt clumsy and just had to hold back. In the end I was comfortable sharing that I was concluding that Helpership was just not my gift.

… I now get that these positive and negative emotions are signals that my little separated ego is being approved or threatened.

I smile as I look at my spiritual journey. From birth I have jumped from one belief to another, figuring out what is “true,” only to be disillusioned