From Outsider to Insider
Though heavily involved in matters at Sevenoaks Pathwork Center, the pace of life at the Center and my sense of being peripheral to key decisions left me feeling an outsider. In a recent phone meeting I shared my feelings of outsiderness. One of my perceptive friends was in disbelief that I would feel an outsider while involved in so much, and he asked me to consider the question as to whether or not this outsiderness was a pattern in my life.
Of course I, like others, do not like to be invited to look inside for internal causes of my issues. But I was able to smile at being triggered by my friend’s question and honestly look at my history of being an outsider.
During this time period I “just happened” to be producing my recording of Pathwork Lecture 203. Some parts of the lecture dealt with fluidity and movement — of body, mind, and feelings. The lecture talked about our commitment to rigid beliefs. Bingo! I could immediately connect the dots to my own situation. I held the belief that I was and outsider. My experience of being an outsider could possibly be created by my belief that I was, indeed, an outsider. My experience simply and always reinforced my belief.
I reflected on the history of this belief. Wow. I could see how I felt and believed myself to be an outsider practically everywhere in my life. Beginning even in my family of origin where I was a performer but did not feel like I belonged. I felt myself to be an outsider in my own family. And I saw how this applied at school, among my few friends, at church, in various youth organizations. And it followed me through my own family, my career, my church life, and my social life in general. And this pattern continues in my relationship with friends and family, and even with Pat. Yes, my friend had helped me see that I did have a self-created pattern of being an outsider, even where I was responsible for running things, which of course masked what was really going on in me.
After the initial shock, I find that I am inspired by this insight. I do not go into the space of “bad me, look at what I have created!” Rather it is an “Ah Ha!” experience that I can build from. Yea!
I shared my insight about being an outsider with another Pathwork team I am on. And also the power of Lecture 203 in helping me. My team colleagues picked up on the power of this lecture in its message about movement. Movement in our bodies (breaking down any energetic or muscular blocks), movement in our feelings (feeling new feelings and feeling them ever more deeply), movement in our mind (breaking down old mental constructs and allowing different beliefs, conclusions, life strategies), so that Spirit can move us, which is what Spirit does from our Divine Center. We decided to build other activities in our Pathwork Community on this foundation of movement as the key to Life. We are excited to share our experiences in this with others in the community.
But what I see for me is a shift. I can see how I could hide from responsibility by claiming that I was, after all, just an outsider. So what if I considered the possibility that I was a closet insider, not at all an outsider trying to get in? What would flow out of such a belief of insiderness? Feels exhilarating.
And more shifts. Now I can shift from my emphasis on power, authority, fixing, and doing in order to belong, in order to be an insider, to simply bringing my presence to what is in our midst as a community. Yes, actions will flow out of this, but they will be of a different flavor. They will be manifesting from my inner being, from my felt sense and belief that I am an insider, rather than from my forcing energy to try to be an insider all the while “knowing” I am, after all, an outsider. I await the outcome of this shift in consciousness. I thank my friend for his insight.