Serving from Love
As I try to sort out areas where I can be of service in my Pathwork, I see I have had a distortion. Participating in a recent Helper Training event at Sevenoaks I was becoming more and more aware that being a Helper is not where it is for me. My classmates seemed very skilled in stepping into practice Helper sessions, whereas I felt clumsy and just had to hold back. In the end I was comfortable sharing that I was concluding that Helpership was just not my gift.
At the end of the training session I volunteered to be a practice worker for the group of Helpers. What did I want to work on in this practice session? I shared that I could not get in touch with my love for the individuals in the group. Was my love even there, for I had my doubts.
A member of the class took my hand and I walked around the circle of classmates. I gazed into the eyes of my peers. In some cases tears came to my eyes. I held them back, but I could not deny them, and in the end they leaked out. Later the person holding my hand shared that she could feel my fear in my hand as she held it. Experiencing fear and love, commingled. This was my work scene.
Later I shared more of this experience with the group. I confessed that I could not deny the tears, the physical witness of something going on inside of me, but I could not feel the feeling behind the tears. There was a split here between my physical sensations and my felt feelings. It was as if I had a stake in not feeling the love that was alive in me.
The session was exhausting, but on some level I knew I could belong to this Helper Group whether or not I was a Helper. There was love in the air, in me, in the others.
Later, a few days after the session, I sat more with what service could I offer. Could I start a group in Cincinnati? A little fear came up. Could I step forward in offering individual sessions in Cincinnati or over the phone? At first the answer was no, no, no. Just not my gift. I just did not have the skills.
But then in meditation this morning the awareness came to me that all authentic service comes from LOVE. Could I release the Love that I feel for others, for Pathwork, in my service, however it shows up? I remember a supervisory session I had as part of my most recent Assisting role at Sevenoaks where I saw that, all my fears and awkwardness notwithstanding, Love is enough, always! And while I felt skill-less during the 4-day assisting, I could feel my love for the students and for the Pathwork. And it was enough. It was a beautiful 4-days together, 4 days of finding our love for one another.
So I have to revisit my Pathwork Service discernment. If I can surrender to Love, my skill level is of secondary importance. Intellectually I know this, but emotionally I still have fear. The fear comes from doubt, sure, but also from what would be asked of me if I released all the Love of which my Soul is capable.
Nonetheless, I am facing my service offering from a new vantage point. I want to be open to however love shows up in my life. Let the Love that is within me guide me in whatever I do as a service to Life. May this be so.