Breaking the Glass Ceiling

For reasons unknown, I have been in a foul mood for several days.  The clouds would lift for a while, but then come swooping in again.  I would just watch and be curious, and perplexed, about what this was all about.

This morning during meditation the notion of a “glass ceiling” floated up.  I could see above me, on the other side of the glass ceiling, the joy and pleasure I desire from life.  The longing felt good and real, coming from my Divine Center. But the glass ceiling was impermeable, and that bliss on the other side out of reach. Perhaps this self-created glass ceiling, blocking my way to bliss, was at the root of my frustration and was poisoning my mood.

But I also became aware of how my ego so strives to break this impermeable glass ceiling, all to no avail.  Breaking through is beyond the faculties of my ego. Oh I know this intellectually, yet emotionally I have been striving with all my might at times to get to the bliss on the other side.  Perhaps if my spiritual practices were more authentic, more developed, I would break through.  Perhaps if I would do my Pathwork more faithfully, more diligently, I would break through.  My inner critic would have all the reasons for my stuckness.

And the fact that, after nearly a decade of Pathwork, I had not yet broken through suggested my spiritual development, intense as it has seemed, was still lacking. Of course my pride could not accept that reality, and through denial was further trapping me this side of the glass ceiling.  And my self-will would have me push harder.  Certainly between my inner critic, pride and self-will I was on a negative vicious circle downward!

I’ve been reading Pathwork Lecture 178, The Universal Principle of Growth Dynamics, and perhaps unconsciously this lecture has been pointing the way up for me.  Clearly breaking through the glass cieling is a job beyond my ego’s capacity.  This breaking through rather comes from my involuntary faculties, the faculties of my inner Divine aspects.  My ego can go so far, and then it must relax, surrender, and allow the transformation of these aspects that block me to arise from deep within, thereby breaking through the glass ceiling perceived by my ego.

I also noticed that all my focus on what life could and should be on the other side of the glass ceiling was taking me away from living fully in my own Now.  This wishful thinking to be already on the other side of the glass ceiling was just adding to my bad mood and frustration.  I can feel this inner battle as I write this.

So from accepting this new perspective I find I can relax a bit and trust that what is needed will happen all by itself.  Yes, my ego can continue to lead me to continue my Pathwork practices, but not for the purpose of “rewarding” me with bliss, rather for the purpose of becoming more real.  Perhaps in becoming more real the glass ceiling will open as if all by itself.  This feels more true to me than beating myself up for not working hard enough on my Pathwork practices. I sense that I may have to return to this notion frequently, especially when I find myself in a foul mood and assess that I am on the wrong side of my glass ceiling.