In Search of My Tribe
Meditation: Sunday, March 25, 2012
While there are lots of things going on in my life and much of it positive though challenging, I’ve been noticing clouds of depression over me the past few days. In meditation this morning I have been looking for my recreation of this situation in my life — my recreation of having no sense of really belonging in my family, church, school, etc. I sense I am recreating this in Mid Atlantic Pathwork (MAP) and Sevenoaks. And I would like to break the vicious circle if I can.
My life-long pattern is relating by doing and performing and being in a role. In this pattern I get involved in things that do not align with my Soul’s core values and passions and rather sign on to what others have established as worthy goals they support. From this place I supported my family, my church, my company, and the many organizations to which I have belonged and in which I even held leadership roles.
And so now with MAP. While “active,” I am not feeling aligned with others in our community, and often even with those I most interact with. In that sense I am not feeling myself as part of MY TRIBE in MAP.
For example, I have energy for Pathwork and for bringing these teachings into the world in a way that can touch others. So it would seem natural that I would have energy for the upcoming Leaders Retreat that I am helping to organize being oriented that way. And Spirit seemed to support that energy in me, quite independent from my own behavior I might add, at our Pathwork Council meeting last Thursday. But now having set off in that direction I’m feeling very alone, as if I’m the only one who really has the passion for this Leaders Retreat activity. There must be something in me that is off-putting or not engaging that creates this situation, or maybe I am actually alone in this energy and this “standing alone” is Spirit’s call for me in MAP just now. Or perhaps the message from Spirit is to back off all together. Oh the need for discernment! I need others in MAP to reflect back to me what they see in me, and help me see these matters more clearly.
But there is more. I am not feeling aligned with all the operational matters it takes to run a retreat center — the road issues, the staffing issues, the committee issues, the getting-more-revenue issues, etc. While I can help a little on budgets, organization, strategy, etc., in the end I am just not passionate about the land and the center and all that is involved in keeping it alive and vibrant. I did not yet “find my heart” at Sevenoaks, and sometimes I get triggered by this, our own campaign slogan, that invites us to remember such a “heart-finding” experience at Sevenoaks.
And often I am not feeling aligned with the way we teach and frame Pathwork — making it more of a personal growth movement toward emotional maturity rather than a powerful spiritual path toward God. I am not aligned with watering down the teachings to make them more popular so our numbers grow. Rather, I am hungry for Spirit in a big way. I long for “Pathwork Heavy,” not “Pathwork Light.” For some reason I most align with those whose energy is most alive in this regard, but once again I feel alone in wanting to give these folks more of the reins in moving our MAP Pathwork forward in this “Pathwork-as-a-Spiritual-Path” direction. I am not even feeling close to those I think I am aligned with, so perhaps my sense of alignment with these folks is a projection rather than a reality.
I was somewhat shocked recently when one of our senior helpers shared with me that he did not see MAP as his spiritual community. Rather, he said quite matter-of-factly, that his real spiritual community is a church he belongs to — sharing that he simply feels more community there. That saddens me, but I see the truth in it. And maybe Pathwork is NOT about sense of a Pathwork community but more about the teachings themselves and their applications.
I’m not going anywhere with this communiqué. It is not one of my infamous rants I hope. It is just a sharing from a weary MAP foot soldier in Cincinnati. I am sure that as I tackle this vicious circle further that I shall set causes in motion that will lift the clouds of depression and anxiety. Not sure where that will lead. And as I said, other MAP folks’ honest reflections to me are welcome.
Shared with love, Gary