Surrendered, If But a Moment

Meditation time – Tuesday, March 27, 2012:

Since my “highs” on Thursday, I have been in a downward spiral into confusion, lostness, depression, and anxiety. With everything going on I feel pulled in all different directions, and this is crazy making for me. I take these feelings into my morning meditation.

Surrender! This Letting Go is the immediate word that floated up before I even began my meditation. With this I am suddenly aware that I don’t know where I am or who I am. I am aware of the truth of this awareness of profound not-knowing. AND I feel myself surrendering to these feelings of being in the unknown, and as I surrender to these feelings of being in the unknown, the experience of surrendering is somehow freeing for me. Immediately freeing, even. I am shocked at the power, quickness, and simplicity of this experience. I stay with it.

It is a floating kind of feeling. From this place of not knowing I am not fighting the currents around me. I am free to be curious about all around me. I can breathe. Suddenly my little boat has come to a new place of quiet waters. After weeks of being in what has at times felt like the level 4 and 5 rapids of the River of Life, I am now, suddenly, in a clear calm pool of water.

And immediately I notice other boats around me – each boat holding a significant person in my life – Pat, family members, friends, colleagues, antagonists, folks of every variety and role in my life. And we are all in these calm waters. Seems like a life review that might happen at the end of one’s life.

I relax. I feel the lifting of a powerful tension field that has engulfed me for several days. Maybe for much of my life. I am aware that this is a time for great healing. And I realize that we deserve it. All of us have worked hard. This can be a time of relaxation and joy as we pause in our journey of life.

And I am not clinging to this space of calm, for we shall move on. I can be open to this place of calm and open to the next set of rapids downstream. We are being honed and shaped, purified and transformed. But I notice that I resist staying in these calm waters.  What? This resistance troubles me. It seems there is a part of me that relates to busyness, to being in the “thrill” of navigating the rapids – perhaps to hide me from truly experiencing the ups and downs of life. Busyness – another trick of my ego.

Such was my morning meditation. I felt gratitude for the grace of this experience and the awareness it provided.

Coffee Time

Pat and I sit for a while. She then asks where I am and I share what came up in my meditation. For me my meditation experience felt profound, and I notice that tension returns when Pat does not respond to my sharing – says nothing. Can I simply be with my tension? What am I demanding of Pat? That she lets me know that she sees me by responding to what I shared? That she appreciates and even celebrates the joy that arises in me when such insights about my being arise? I sit longer. Can I appreciate myself – and appreciate Pat, the two of us just sitting here in our respective boats? Can the tension field just be here? I notice that no further words are necessary.

The silence ends

Pat: I am aware that after three weekends apart and a week before that at a journal retreat that this week our morning coffee times are very short, driven by my morning schedule. I am sad about this.

I pause to take Pat in. My thoughts turn to Pathwork Lecture 80 Cooperation, Communication, and Union that I am finishing recording this week.  To my amazement once again (amazed at how the exact lecture I need shows up in my life) this lecture seems so relevant to our curiosity about and growth in our relationship, again preparing us for the couple’s intensive we have coming up with Sage and Anthony in July. (for a section of Pathwork Lecture 80, click Stages of Intimacy in Couplehood).  I feel my energy in these teachings and in sharing some of this lecture with Pat.

Pat: I am aware of the dynamic between us – areas previously unconsciousness, areas that won’t or can’t allow the other independence, or areas that don’t even want independence for ourselves. Yes, it will be good to work with Sage and Anthony. Gary: I share my pain of not feeling seen after our meditation and some growth that came out of that experience.

Pat: Sometimes I get a glimpse of that which is truly me – the energy and presence of that which is truly me. I can see why spiritual teachers use the phrase Abiding Presence.  This is a glimpse that is more ME than the me I think I am – namely, thinking I am one living in ignorance and in patterns, thinking I am the one not liking that part of me living in patterns. I can see the job of ultimately letting go of striving and then of accepting what is. All of this up-and-down in our lives is not only OK, it is THE WAY.

Gary: Yes, and perhaps these are the level 4 and 5 rapids separated by times of peaceful waters. It seems to all be about surrendering to what truly is, accepting what is, whether in the rapids or in the calm waters – just being in the River of Life and experiencing each moment.

Shared with love, Gary