Entering Profound Lostness
I don’t know what to do. I notice how uncomfortable this unknowing space is and how I wish to move through it. Quickly! Please!
The awareness of this lostness came in a two-and-a-half-hour Mid-Atlantic Pathwork (MAP) Finance Committee meeting yesterday afternoon. As Treasurer I chair this meeting. I have a sense that some of our recent decisions as a Board are “right action,” but as we evolve our budget for our next fiscal year (which begins July 1) it is clear that with what feels like “right action” we have a deficit of between $45,000 and $65,000 for the year. This is not workable. And I simply do not know what to do about it. Truly, I do not know what to do.
Somehow as treasurer I think I should know what to do. And I think that we as a Finance Committee should know what to do. That would be my need to feel competent, never incompetent. But in fact I do not know, and that is my truth.
As the reality of this problem settled in yesterday afternoon during our meeting there was a tendency in our committee to move on and immediately identify actions to take to solve the problem. I felt a shock arise in me from this quick movement from “realization of the magnitude of the problem” to “immediate action.” A tsunami was upon us, and we were going to immediately act rather than truly assess the reality of our situation. What was our significant projected loss telling us? What is Spirit telling us? I felt a strong need to say STOP, to push the PAUSE button and take in the problem we face, to let its reality settle in. Perhaps out of this reality would arise Guidance as to what our next actions should be. Or not. But in any case a PAUSE felt appropriate.
But I did not have the Presence or courage to push the PAUSE button. And we went on and immediately began developing a list of 15 or so revenue-generating/cost-reducing actions we could take. This seemed to make us “feel good.” We were “taking action!” We could assign these action-items to appropriate people and move on to “take the mountain” in front of us. We seem to love to take action! I am reminded of the proverb that says, “The human species is the only species that runs fastest when it is lost.” Is that what we are doing here? And is this “quick,” “decisive” “action” wise? I don’t know, but moving forward so quickly feels off to me.
While this Finance Committee situation was my awakening into my lostness, I realized in my meditation this morning that I am lost in many areas of my life. For example, have I alienated my kids in some way with all my busywork? Do I fill my life with activity that takes me out of my reality of profound lostness? Is my propensity for activity blocking my challenges in allowing my heart to open in love?
So in my meditation I just came to rest, to PAUSE. I don’t have to turn to a Pathwork Lecture to read for possible guidance. No, just stop and feel the profound lostness…
And in my PAUSE here is what arose from within. “Gary, let go of outcomes. You know what to do in each moment, and you have what you need inside of you. Follow what gives you energy – for example all the energy you have for helping to manifest Erena’s Pathwork Graduate Program next year. Or for organizing things. And for treating folks fairly. Honoring all involved in this endeavor of your life and in the lives of those around you, including family, Pat, friends, and MAP. You have the Guidance you need moment by moment. I don’t give you goals to achieve. Rather, I give you Life to Live. Enter the Lostness, your Now. Welcome to the Mystery, the Grand Mystery that Life is in each Now. Welcome Home, my friend.” As I take this in a Peace comes upon me. Yes, I can be here in my lostness, my truth, part of the Grand Mystery that Life is in this Now. And as I take in my Now the feeling of lostness dissolves. I feel enlivened. Again.
Shared in love, Gary
PS I notice that the first session of Erena’s graduate program this fall is titled “THE SACRED PAUSE.” How fun is the feeling of Spirit dancing with me, no, rather the feeling of Spirit dancing me!
A quote from Pathwork Lecture 165 seems to relate, except substitute “lostness” for “pain” or “hurt.” (click to open quote)