A Jesus Christ Series – Part 9: Knowing Jesus Christ Is an Inside Job!
Sunday morning I awoke in fear and anxiety. Again. But I could smile and welcome the feeling, curious what lay underneath. In meditation I felt into the fear and welcomed it. Then possible causes arose in my consciousness.
The day before, Saturday, I had scheduled with Brian O’Donnell my second of three sessions concerning Jesus Christ. I was surprised that my first Jesus Christ session with Brian was on July 11, over three months ago. This second session will be on October 21. I am not sure what we shall cover, but the timing felt right.
In my request for this second session I mentioned to Brian that since our session in July I had written eight parts to my blog series on Jesus Christ, a series I began on July 27, two weeks after my first session with him on this topic. In setting up the session for October 21 he asked for links to these eight blog entries, which I provided as well. But then: Oh my!
Yes, “Oh my!” I noticed that sending Brian the links to my eight blog entries brought up a nervousness in me, and this fear and anxiety was what I was feeling Sunday morning. I seemed to be filled with anxiety concerning his possible response, not only to the content per se but also to the fact that my eight blog entries were quite long and in them I had included so much from my sessions with my Pathwork helper team, including Sage, Moira, and Brian himself. Would Brian think this openness most inappropriate? Did it violate a boundary with my helpers? This was not a new feeling as I had included helper session content in my blog entries many times before, and though each time it felt right to share these as they were so relevant to what I was sharing of my process in my blogs, after each blog I had become nervous, hoping my helpers would never read what I wrote. At any rate the anxiety was there as I sat in my meditation and daily reviews over the next couple of days.
As I contemplated this situation I realized that my anxiety came not only from having shared so much of my Pathwork helper sessions in my blog but also from my insecurity concerning the topic of Jesus Christ. Was what I wrote about Jesus Christ “right,” and, above all, was it “so rich,” “so mature,” “so insightful,” and so “so helpful” to fellow spiritual seekers? And what would happen if pastors from my Lutheran church would read these entries? Would they come down hard on my heretical writing, pointing out my gross misunderstandings about the person of Jesus Christ?
Of course these insecurities and need for external affirmation came from the inherent inadequacy of my Idealized Self Image in its attempt to portray me as an “oh so enlightened spiritual being.” Underneath this facade of course was my felt terror that I possessed none of these spiritual aspects and instead held very opposite in my true self. Brian would certainly see my arrogance, pride, and idealized self-image, and call me on it. I would feel humiliated and ashamed as he pointed out the errs of my ways. Of course in realizing this, and that he would never really do this but rather would welcome these images to surface in my awareness so we could explore my inner workings, I could also laugh at myself, not take myself so seriously, and with curiosity explore further.
I saw how much I seemed to need an external framework of authority (here Brian) to tell me my views were “right.” Of course this was on top of the image that there were, in fact, “obviously” “right” and “wrong” views to be had concerning Jesus Christ, and that I desperately had to have the “right” view in order to be safe in the world. Without the “right” view of Jesus Christ in this vital area of my spirituality, formed initially as it was from my strong Lutheran Christian roots, I would live in constant anxiety and fear. Finally, I realized that I was placing as the only possible authority for determining “rightness” of my view of Jesus Christ outside of myself – authority of such a central matter in my life rested with others, with teachers, with organizations, with teachings and sacred texts such as Pathwork, the bible, or some other set of dogma about Jesus Christ.
I could then recognize that as long as I relied on external authority for the truth about Jesus Christ I would be forever in a state of anxiety, bouncing from one external authority’s view to another external authority’s view. This realization that I was looking to outside authority in this matter pointed me to Jesus’ words from Luke 17:21 (KJV): Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.
So in these words of Jesus recorded in Luke I am encouraged to look toward my inner authority, wherein the kingdom of God resides, for the truth about who this Jesus Christ is and what he means to me. So I need to look within, deep into my own intuition and inner compass, rather than constantly looking “out there” to some external authority’s teachings or framework for the understanding, identity, and experience of Jesus Christ, or even look to an external authority’s permission to consider that my own inner authority could possibly recognize the Truth of this matter of Jesus Christ. I could see the shakiness of all of this — so no wonder exposing my sense of Jesus Christ in these eight blog entries would bring up anxiety!
Further, I realized that Knowing (with a capital “K”) Jesus Christ is not a matter for the intellect; Jesus Christ is not something to “figure out,” for Jesus Christ is part of the Mystery. And as part of the Mystery, understanding Jesus Christ fully is beyond my ego, beyond my intellect’s capacity to know (with a little “k”). Rather, I come to Know Jesus Christ from my intuition, from my felt Knowing from within. And this Knowing is a gradual unfolding as my consciousness deepens. Yes, there can also be bursts of deeper Knowing at special times of grace.
And then I realized that to Know Jesus Christ is to Know Love, Truth, God, and Source. It is in this way that Jesus Christ indwells me in a way that Jesus Christ is not separate from me. I am one with Jesus Christ, not a being separate from Jesus Christ. And this Knowing of Jesus Christ as being the very core of my being as a result of my oneness with Jesus Christ gives rise to a felt sense of Love within, that Love that Jesus Christ is, a Love way beyond the capacity for love of any mere intellectual knowing about Jesus Christ I might have.
Other teachings (those of Pathwork, of the bible, and of Christian mystics), teachers (Moira, Sage, Brian, Erena, and others) and spiritual companions (Pat, Jenny, and others) guide me to this experience of Jesus Christ within. And from that indwelling Christ within I can manifest Jesus Christ into the world – manifesting some of the Wisdom, Love, Truth, Creativity, Joy, Peace, and other Divine Rays so fully displayed by Jesus Christ in his incarnation 2000 years ago.
This manifesting of Jesus Christ is part of my Calling, part of the purpose of my incarnation. This manifesting of Jesus Christ in and through me is the second coming of Christ – the Christ coming into and through each of us in the same manner he came through Jesus the true God/man.
I also realized that to be a “spiritual teacher” or “spiritual counselor” I have to be my own person with my own sense and experience of inner Truth. Being a Spiritual Teacher is more than teaching the bible or teaching Pathwork or teaching Buddhism, etc., if the teaching is merely “about” these various wisdom traditions. All of these traditions point to an inner Knowing, and from that inner Knowing is where a true Spiritual Teacher arises and teaches.
I realized I am not in such a position as yet, not yet grounded in my own Knowing to be a Spiritual Teacher. Maybe I have access to my channel at times, but these times seem very limited at best.
Perhaps at this Knowing level Teaching becomes a Transmission of Spiritual Truths to others. For sure I am not at that level, but seeing Teaching in this way informs me as to possibly why I have been so hesitant and uncomfortable “teaching” (with a little “t”) Pathwork or, before that, the bible.
Let me sit with all of this in contemplation. What better thing to do as I enter my 72nd year on the planet!
Shared in love, Gary
1) Pathwork Lecture 88 Religion: True and False came to mind, and in listening to it this morning I was amazed how much it relates to the above. More on this later…
2) As I sat on the deck Wednesday afternoon completing this blog entry, Pat joined me. She wanted to share something from a Buddhist catalog she had received. She thought I would appreciate it. I smiled at the synchronicity to the above entry…
Quote from: The Difficulty of Repaying the Debt to the Buddhas and Patriarchs by Hakuin Ekaku, 18th Century Zen Master…
Buddha means one who is awakened. Once you have awakened, your own mind itself is buddha. By seeking outside yourself for a buddha invested with form, you set yourself forward as a foolish, misguided person. It is like a person who wants to catch a fish. They must start by looking in the water, because fish live in water and are not found apart from it. If a person wants to find buddha, they must look into their own mind, because it is there, and nowhere else, that buddha exists. …
You must investigate [your mind] and clarify it for yourself. You must investigate it whether you are standing or sitting, speaking or silent, when you are eating your rice or drinking you tea. You must keep at it with total, single-minded devotion. And never, whatever you do, look in sutras or in commentaries for an answer, or seek it in the words you hear a teacher speak.
When all the effort you can muster has been exhausted and you have reached a total impasse, and you are like the cat at the rat hole, like the mother hen warming her egg, it will suddenly come and you will break free. The phoenix will get through the golden net. The crane will fly clear of the cage.