You Shall Never Know Me!

This past weekend I was in a beautiful workshop, training for doing group work. There were 14 of us, all advanced Pathworkers and leaders, and the energy and engagements were very rich for me. The experience led me to profound honesty – and equally profound insights.

One member of the group has been in many other groups I have been in and we serve on many committees together. Often through our long history he has triggered me, bringing up beautiful stuff for me to work on. It was perfect that he was part of this group this past weekend and that, once again, I got triggered.

What happens when I get triggered? He is eloquent, well educated, brilliant, very successful on many fronts, and connected to leaders in all fields both politically, spiritually, socially, and scientifically. His work is as a change agent for senior executives in industry and the Government. In his enthusiasm he shared with us that last week he was a speaker to Government military executives at the Pentagon. He is passionate about his work, and shared his passion, even allowing his tears to come forth, as I had done the day before in sharing my own sense of Call to Helpership. The group responded beautifully and supportively.  But I was surprised at this dominance of positive response while I was being triggered. I dared to break the positive support he was being given by saying I was not feeling part of the group at this time. The group paused to take me in.  What was keeping me separate from the group and my friend?

Was it my competitiveness? Certainly on some level. He shared that he knows that sometimes in his enthusiasm his ego gets in the way and he leaks out name-dropping. He is sensitive about this and took in my comments graciously. I found I was touched by his sharing and gracious non-reactive presence and humility. Another in the group offered that my own ego was probably in this mix as well, and I could take this in graciously as well. In this exchange a tension field in the group could be felt, and the group dropped to a deeper sense of presence and sharing. The energy was high. Though a little fearful, I was pleased that I dared to speak my truth. In a way I had to in order to stay present to myself and to the group.

In my meditation the morning after this rich incident more insights arose in me. I could see that I will not let this person see my Soul! And I could see that this same situation existed with Mom and Dad – I would not let them see my Essence, my Soul.  Ditto for teachers, church leaders, and peers. Oh, I would play the cultural performance game, but in my inner pride and arrogance I would defy the “system” that would define me and compare me with others.

I recall that when I was the Chairman of the Board, President, and CEO of a 40 million dollar company that on my business card I did not include my title under my name. Humility? Not really. This was my act of defiance to the “system” that would seek to pigeon hole me in a role or position. This title, lofty as it may have been for me, is NOT me, not my Essence, not my Soul – and I resent anything that would suggest that it is. And I can feel the arrogance of this position – “I am above your stupid system of rank and position!” And I would unconsciously add, “You will never know me, you will never know my Soul!”

Or, said another way, I will not trust you with my Soul. With this sudden insight I paused. Whom do I trust with my Soul? Anyone?

I notice with many in authority (beginning with Mom and Dad) or many who hold power in the “system,” this withholding is particularly strong. I’ll throw out “flack,” tidbits of my “success” to deflect a person’s power – giving the other what I think he or she wants or offering just enough information to “keep me in the game” of suitable credentials. But I can feel my terror to open my Soul to another. My image and belief that keeps me from opening up freely? “If I show you my Essence, my Soul, you will destroy me, you will destroy my Essence and my Soul!”

How would another do this destroying? My fear is that they would pigeonhole me, they would define me, categorize me, compare me to others in the “system,” and the like. As with Mom and Dad, my Soul resents being so defined and characterized. My Soul wants to feel its vastness and its connectedness with All that Is; it does not want to be limited, that is, characterized, defined, or compared to others. So I shall show you my mask, even at ever deeper levels thereby “faking” vulnerability, but I shall never reveal anything below my carefully crafted mask where I would be truly vulnerable.  I’ll stick with my vulnerability mask, my carefully controlled pseudo vulnerability.

Is this “hiding behind my mask” true with everyone in my life, that is, is it true that I refuse to truly show up at my Soul level ever, with anyone? Perhaps this is true, a really core issue for me for this life – many a work scene I have been in over the past decade has ended with the phrase, “Gary, SHOW UP!” I can see this was true with my marriage, in the company I served, the church I served, with peers and the like. My Soul, my Essence would not show up, at least if I could help it!

So whom dare I trust with my Soul? There are some – a few Pathwork teachers, helpers, and counselors, but not many. I can feel my longing for and my fear of connecting at a Soul or Essence level.  Now this is a profound insight.  I am grateful.

Going deeper

Over the next day after the incident and my meditation I discovered that this refusal to let another see or experience my Soul, my Essence, is a projection – a projection of my own refusal to let myself see or experience my own Soul, my own Essence! This is a denial of my Soul’s Essence, a denial of my Divine Self, my Higher Self! To see or show myself at a Soul level somehow terrifies me. To see myself at a Soul level would require letting go of all control and dropping into open spontaneity. This, out of my life-or-death terror, I refuse to do!

But to refuse to allow myself to experience my own Essence, my own God-self, means I choose to not let myself see my Divine rays – to see how in fact I carry and emanate rays of Love, Wisdom, Power and Creativity. This is a fundamental Soul Split! Part of me is my layer-upon-layer of mask, covering not only my Lower Self aspects of Pride, Self-Will, and Fear (coming out of that demand of myself to stay separate) but also covering my Higher Self Essence. Then the other part of the split is my Divine Essence that Knows the Truth of Oneness and Union and my unique Divine Rays, the Truth that I refuse to see or experience.

And the further consequence of this situation is that I not only refuse to see, feel, and experience my own Heart (which loves), I refuse to see, feel, or experience the Heart of my friend whose heart was weeping in passion over feeling his call to executives and military folks. Or perhaps I refuse to see, feel, or experience the Heart of anyone, at least not fully and truly!

This leaves me with a profound longing for connection, emanating my Divine Rays, and belonging on the one hand, and an equally profound refusal to connect, emanate, or belong on the other. I choose to live behind my carefully constructed wall, my shell.  This deeper insight is something to see and be with, and something to take into prayer and meditation. May this wall melt way so that I may experience the Truth of Oneness and Union, the reality of all around me! May this be all of our prayers!

With love, Gary