My Fear of Feeling My Fear, Coming to Faith
As I sat in meditation this morning I became aware of my fear AND of feeling my fear of feeling my fear. And fear of feeling my loneliness, fear of feeling my sense of separateness, and fear of truly being with others – peers in my kindergarten and beyond, Mom, Dad, and other family members, and the like. I was in touch with my existential fear of life and my fear of feeling this existential fear. In a way I was resisting my full incarnation into life – I was in touch with the schizoid character structure that is part of my characterology.
As the meditation continued I became aware of all my defenses I have developed and used throughout my life to avoid feeling this existential fear. The awareness began with lower-self aspects of Pride (saying I am better than – or worse than – others) and Self-Will (my will over your will), both of which claim that I do not need connection. I will be successful without you, “I’ll do life MY way!”
But then when these defenses of separation did not give me the life I wanted I tried to connect through my Power Mask (connect with me because I am powerful) or my Love Mask (connect with me because I submit to you). And when these two masks didn’t give me what I wanted, I resorted to my Serenity Mask (I am above it all, who needs connection anyway?).
So my meditation was one of those connecting-the-dots moments of seeing my fear and seeing all the ways I have tried to defend against feeling my fear.
As our coffee time began, before I shared my meditation “download,” Pat began describing what came up in her meditation. Pat: That which says “I’m separate” is so cellular. We get glimpses – those moments when one is more attuned, more aligned with one’s Essence – and I want that space to be there 100% of the time! I want to go into my AIP weekend today in a state of Presence all the time.
From my ego all kinds of stuff comes up to block fulfillment of this longing for Presence. My ego wants me to have it together already, to freely roll with the punches – all beyond where I happen to be just now. So my ego goes into comparison – “What are you moaning about, Pat, look at all that others are dealing with coming in from all over North America.” Or, “If only you had done your homework better!” This voice is harsh, mean even, and full of judgment and comparison.
How to loosen that hold that hooks me in. More pattern, “If I were only smart enough, I could figure it out.” I know in my mind that this is all pattern operating and I should not give pattern an inch. So what arises is striving, “I’ve got to do it!” Gary: I just had to smile as I shared what had arisen in me in meditation – how often our meditation times link together so perfectly, what is going on with me in Spirit is the same that is going on with Pat in Spirit.
Pat: My mind comes up. “Who is here? The LIGHT that we are is here all the time, yet we push the LIGHT that we are away – so much push/pull. So much self-alienation from the LIGHT that we are. Gary: We have fear of bringing in our Divine Rays of Power, Creativity, Love, Serenity and the like. Pat: I would say, rather, fear of opening to the Divine rays emanating naturally from within. Gary: Yes, my work at the GroupWorks! Workshop over the weekend – my “You shall not see my Essence!” I have so much protective apparatus covering my Heart.
Pat: Underneath I feel lost and alone. Gary: Yes, me too. And our defense is not to feel our fear of being lost and alone. Perhaps another vicious circle, the treadmill, round and round. Pat: Funny you say treadmill – you were so dedicated to that treadmill early in our relationship.
Gary: But I notice that in seeing all of this there is an opening of clarity for me, and with that moment of clarity comes excitement! Pat: Please do what you need to have the strength and courage to proceed. That which we think we are will die… Especially in the couple’s work we are embarking upon with Sage and Anthony. Gary: Yes, may we have the courage and strength to stand before and dare to fully feel our existential fear of living from our respective Essences during our couple’s work with Sage and Anthony.
Gary: Faith comes as we experientially discover this process of feeling the fear and come to see that entering the darkness will lead us to the LIGHT within. This morning meditation and coffee time has enriched my faith, my knowing experientially one more time that if I face the terror I won’t die! This is a felt faith, an experiential faith, not a forced intellectual belief in some outer authority or dogma about life or death or God.
Pat: How amazing. In our coffee time we hook up so well spiritually and intellectually. But as we get up and go about our lives it still is a mystery for us to connect emotionally and physically. Gary: Yes, the challenge of connecting from a fully incarnated place – this will be our work with Sage and Anthony.
Shared with love, Gary