Living in the Gap

During my gym workouts these past few days I have been listening to Pathwork lecture 213, The Spiritual and Practical Meaning of “Let Go, Let God.” The lecture is rich and strikes me at many levels, but a particular part of the lecture applies to where I am in my preparation for teaching at the upcoming Pathwork Transformation class.

In “Let Go, Let God,” what is the transition the Lecture is inviting?  Where I am coming from and intending to grow out of is the the world of the “little ego.” Before the time I come to “let go” of my “little ego,” I depend upon it –upon my mind, my will, my skills, and the like — to “be competent” in my role as teacher.  I’ve had the classes, I’ve done this all before, can I not simply rely on what I have learned?

But as I contemplate relying upon what I have learned I notice that I am uncomfortable with my degree of competence.  On some level I know my “little ego” skills are not adequate to what I am being asked to do in this role as teacher.  Yet, even knowing this inadequacy, my “little ego” insists on being separate from my Divine Center.  My “little ego,” insisting on remaining separate from Source, would rather work on its own, hoping to receive praise, affirmation, and fulfillment quite apart from God. “See ME, ME, ME!”

But from believing that all I am is my “little separated ego,” I find fear arising. From this “little ego” space it is daunting to try to do anything, especially serve in the role of teacher or facilitator of a group of spiritual seekers.

And of course this fear would have to be the result — relying on my “little ego” is always going to leave me uncertain and anxious, trying to compensate my Lower Self fear (due to separation from Source) with Lower Self Pride and Self-Will.  This lecture reminds me to let go of the “little ego” where all my Lower Self aspects hide out.

But I am not yet rooted in my capacity to “Let God.” I have not yet mastered my capacitly to surrender to and trust my Divine Center, my Source within.  So at this time I stand in the gap between letting go of my “little ego” and letting God be my Source in whatever I am bringing to the class.

Intellectually I know that Source brings love, wisdom, peace, trust, and whatever is needed in the moment to play a leadership role in this class. Obviously this is what my Higher Self, my Soul, wants to manifest, but I am not there yet. So this year will be my opportunity to master Letting God, coming to trust my inner Source. But in the meantime I shall be living in the gap.

What is life in the gap like?  Here, this lecture reminds me, I am tempted in times of stress and tension to fall backwards and reclaim the skills of my “little ego,” even though my intellect knows this keeps me in fear.  Or, the lecture says, in times of stress I could try to trust my false gods around me. Who are these false gods?  I’m not sure to whom the lecture is referring, but I can imagine trusting magical gods of my youth.  These childish gods will further disappoint.  The key, the lecture says, is trusting the “letting go process” itself.  Trusting “what is,” even if I do not know what  “what is” is.  This is faith muscle stretching time.  The time for growth.

For whatever reason, this idea of living in the gap brings me a level of peace as I enter this role of teacher.  I can anticipate how I might, in a pinch, be tempted to reach back to the “little ego” to claim some skill or expertise.  Or I can see being tempted to fall back on wishful thinking for a magical god from my youth to deliver me.  But with awareness I can make a third choice: just stand here and see what arises from within as I come increasingly to trust my God within, to trust Source of all that is.

And remember, Gary, this is all perfect for you, and for the class — all of you will get exactly what you need from this year of working together.  To this I answer, “Amen.”