Growing Connection with Pat

Sunday Morning Coffee Time

Pat boldly launched into the subject of our connection with her question, “So how was our time last night?” She was referring to our romantic interlude the evening before. I shared that it was both fantastic and, confusingly, that it left me in a state of melancholy. What was the melancholy about? I was feeling some guilt and a sense of selfishness in being so attached to the physical dimension of our relationship. I found myself asking myself what this experience of sexuality is all about at a core level. A truly challenging exploration.

Pat assured me that we are together in our connecting experiences, no matter how they go. She feels the usness, the riding of the energy. It is all a continuous learning.  It is being open to the energy that arises in us, in ourselves and in the other, without judgment, comparison, or expectation.

We then launched into the subject of feeling pleasure in our connection. Immediately I was full of anxiety. My judgment comes in with “my experiences of our connection are too physical, too narrow, not touching into my feelings, not even the entirety of my body.” I felt guilt and selfishness in the narrowness of my connecting experience. I was longing for the ultimate goal: a fully mutually arising connecting on physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual levels! This unified connection is the relationship for which I long and yet which seems so evasive. This contributes to my melancholy – this unanswered unconscious longing of my Soul.

Pat: Wow! And short of that utopia our romantic interludes are nothing?! Talk about expectations! These beliefs about what should be in our relationship limits our experiences of what is in our relationship and connection. It is good to be this clear about how your beliefs are showing up and how they rob you and us of what is available to us in our connection.

Once she spoke these words, I was right with Pat in this insight, and grateful for her mirroring of what she saw in me and how my longing for some utopia limits us in our experiencing what is in each moment.

Pat: Now we can see this pattern and be open and curious about the arising of pleasure in all of its forms and dimensions – physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. We do not know what pleasures will arise in our romantic interludes, but whatever these pleasures are, the answer is “YES.”

Both of us are benefitted by my knowing and practicing Authentic Movement these past ten years. Because of this experience of Authentic Movement I have a perception of the felt sense of the higher energies moving and arising in my body. I’m not sure what the other women get out of our weekly Authentic Movement sessions, but I know that Theresa, our leader, understands what I am experiencing. I remember in the movies when the couple would each light up a cigarette after great sex. The, “I need a cigarette” spoke to the great experience they just had had. And in Authentic Movement we women sometimes have that “I need a cigarette” experience after a night of profound movement that some of us experience in the class.  I suspect this experiencing and savoring of the higher energies in our bodies is what some of the Tantra teachings are all about.

Gary: Hearing all this, and wildly agreeing with it, again adds to my anxiety, guilt, and shame. I am not riding the wave of all that wants to arise in our time together. I am too forcing in my energy rather than relaxing and fully experiencing and savoring pleasure in the moment.

Pat: I think that it takes a great deal of practice for the man to experience this depth. For the woman the experience is opening, receiving, expanding – so a slow process of opening is already in play with her from the beginning.

This experience takes you and me together. You could not have this experience without me. And I could not have this experience without you. Somehow the energy in you is generative and generous, of your Essence. In the consciousness of this experience you are generously giving of yourself, giving of your Essence. And I am consciously receiving your Essence.

I would say we are speaking of consciousness of very high energies – energies of authentic generosity from your Essence – not just the physical levels. And we are having an opportunity to learn about these higher levels of energy. Again as we have always said, the heart is the organ of spiritual perception. Heart opening seems to call for our participation. We are talking about energies of the heart dancing and connecting.

Gary: I am longing to be conscious of what you describe here – conscious of my “authentic generosity from my Essence.” This high energy level of connecting is what my soul unconsciously longs for. When this unconscious longing is not satisfied my soul is disappointed at a profound but unconscious level. From this depth of Soul pervasive melancholy sets in even after experiencing sexual pleasure with you. I see this limitation in me as coming from my own patterns, images, and conclusions about life. I suspect patterns of impatience, egocentricity, and limited love capacity. My shortcuts involve focusing on the physical dimensions alone. Here there is hurry and no savoring.

Pat: Like sometimes your inability to savor your food. Or consider how hard it is for you to receive when people are mirroring back to you what they see as your generous heart. You are not that young wounded child. You can tolerate the disappointment and frustration of where you are – this is the only way to move beyond where you are. So now you are not taking an experience like last night and only wrapping it in disappointment because it falls short of the ideals of your longing. Rather you stand back, as we are doing right here, and are being curious about all this, holding the experience in all its positive and negative aspects and saying, “So that is what this was all about. Wow!”

Gary: I smile. This clarity now reveals a laziness in me. I realize that I am wanting someone to give it to me without my taking responsibility for manifesting it myself. This comes more from my image of “the good boy being rewarded” (by Mom?) so “Gary, be good,” rather than have the courage to directly manifest from within my Essence, accessing this powerful energy within me in a way that yields the full joy I long for. And here as I am in touch with my laziness I have to watch my tendency to moralize – feeling the shame of being so immature at my age and lazy.  And I see even here by naming my behavior “laziness” how easily I get caught in these vicious circles. Rather, could I just accept where I am, be curious as to the origins of my beliefs and behaviors, my laziness if you please, and set intentions to grow up and mature.

Pat: Very interesting. This is your opportunity to grow up, not only for yourself and for me, but for the benefit of all beings. Each life is an offering for the whole of us. For myself, I ask that every moment I can mature and step ahead be for the benefit of all humnkind. This maturation is why I am here. This maturation is my intention.

Gary: This maturing on all levels for the benefit of all humankind is my Call as well, my purpose in the Plan of salvation.

Pat: I’m glad I asked my question to open our coffee time this morning. It takes some courage to enter these waters. This is being willing to see the elephant in the living room and speak it.

As this rich dialog ended, I was feeling exhausted and grateful. Feeling love, perhaps. Dare I post this? I let it rest for a day and then read it to Pat. She thought it captured well our amazing experience of the coffee time and was in the spirit of what my blog is all about.  So here it is.

Related Pathwork Readings…

Joy Without Harmony – When Pleasant Times Trouble Us (From Lecture 87) – relates to not having joy when my focus is on the wrong goal in my relationship with Pat.

Setting Spiritual Goals – One Step at a Time (From Lecture 85) – relates to focusing on the next step rather than the ultimate goal in my relationship with Pat.