Facing Competitiveness

 

I was having a very fulfilling day, great conversations, exhilarating even.  A sense of accomplishment as various projects came to completion.  And most significantly, warming to my transition from business and life coaching and mentor to Pathwork Helpership, opening to be an apprentice helper in one-to-one work.  Then before turning in for the night an email came through with great praise for the helpership skills of one of my classmates, a dear friend.   

I was caught off guard.  Suddenly I could feel my jealousy, my need to be recognized as being competent, superior, and even top dog.  These feelings began to take me down and turn my “oh so wonderful day” into a bust.  Wow!  

As I was going down the tubes I noticed another pattern arise:  “If I can’t be the best Pathwork Helper, then I don’t want to be a Pathwork Helper at all!  Just throw in the towel and give up.”  How hilarious is this game of life!

I backed off a bit, and from a distance I could ask myself, “What is all this jealousy about?”  And as I sat in this state of inquiry, I noticed that this jealous part of me was not all of me.  Another part of me could celebrate my colleague’s great gifts in helpership that were being recognized in the email that came through.  I could feel that celebration!   But it was still mingled with that other part, that aggressive, fighting competitive part.   Both the celebrating and competing aspects are parts of me.  

Then I felt a shift.  I could settle into my being an average helper, not falling into my pattern of having to be the best helper or not being a helper at all.   But no, this is still comparing and competing.  In another shift I suddenly I saw that each of us is unique.  It is not about being superior, inferior, or average,  but about being unique, and willing to offer up that uniqueness in service to the Cosmos, or, as the Pathwork Guide would say, in service to the Plan of Salvation.  

I can accept both my limited skills in certain areas of  helpership, and my unique gifts in other areas of helpership.  I may not do helpership in the way my colleague or others do helpership, but I can be who I am and give my best, surrendered to the Divine, and witnessing the Divine in the other in my helpership service.   And I have other qualities that are also of value.  I have a dedication to things like recording the Pathwork lectures, a generosity of spirit, and so on.  These blend with my human foibles that I accept and work on, one of them being my sometimes-intense but unconscious competitiveness.  I am all of me and ultimately one with all that is.  This Mystery of Life.

I breathe this all in and relax as I enter still another wonderful day.