Carrying the Weight of Responsibility — My Call?
I am trying to distribute the responsibilities for next 12 months of the Mid-Atlantic Pathwork Council (PWC) among the four main areas of focus: the Pathwork Transformation Program, the Graduate Program, Workshops, and Pathwork Vision. I do this so that we can divide the load and build additional resources in a responsible way so that each of these areas of focus will be effective and aligned with Spirit.
As I do this, however, I notice that there is not a lessening of the weight of responsibility I feel for the effective operations of all of these functions. Yes, the work and the doing get distributed, but somehow the weight of responsibility remains on my shoulders.
I am hoping to get out from under this weight. To oversee these functions of the PWC does not seem to be my Calling. My Calling seems to be to do my own deep work, to engage more deeply in my relationship with Pat, to engage in Erena’s graduate program, to continue my work with the Pathwork Lectures, to engage deeply with others on the path of Pathwork, and so on. Yet I seem not able to let go of feeling the weight of responsibility for the work of the PWC.
I ask, “Is the weight of responsibility for the PWC placed on my shoulders by God?” To whom do I feel responsible for carrying this weight? Am I making it a much heavier weight than it is, setting expectations for outcomes and then carrying the challenge of meeting said outcomes? Is taking on such responsibility a pattern based upon my images, feeding my Idealized Self Image?
I notice another weight on my shoulders – the Treasurer role on the Board of Trustees of Mid-Atlantic Pathwork. We go into next year with significant challenges of every variety and with these challenges financial consequences that are very concerning to me as Treasurer and Board Member. I feel the weight of serving competently in the role of Treasurer – and do not know how to work through the many financial issues we face.
And the two areas of responsibility (Treasurer and Chair of PWC) relate to one another. The PWC, operating the Pathwork school, has a significant impact on the revenue of our operations. We on the PWC want to let Spirit guide us and not add forcing currents of aggressive recruitment to balance budgets, and yet the consequences of not having sufficient number of students and revenue to support our cost base is real. What should our assumptions be? What should our actions be, both from the side of the PWC and from the side of the Board of Trustees and Finance Committee?
I do not like carrying these responsibilities. I do not like not knowing what to do. But here I am. So I ask again, are these burdens placed upon me by God, a consequence of answering my Call with a “YES”? Or are these responsibilities not part of my Call but rather a self-imposed load based upon false conclusions, images, and pursuit of my Idealized Self-Image?
I am reminded of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane asking this same kind of questions. “Please take this cup from me, but nevertheless, not my will but Your will be done.” So I pray, “O God, enlighten me and give me guidance. Help me discern right action here. If it is part of my Call to serve in these MAP roles of PWC Chair and Board Treasurer, give me the strength, courage, and wisdom to answer my Call with a healthy ‘YES.’ If these administrative functions are NOT part of my call, I ask for help to discern this and the wisdom and courage to exit these roles in a way that is gracious and responsible. Whatever my true Call is, not my will but thy will be done. Amen.”
This morning Pat received a Pema Chodron quote that I found helpful:
The peace that we are looking for is not peace that crumbles as soon as there is difficulty or chaos. Whether we’re seeking inner peace or global peace or a combination of the two, the way to experience it is to build on the foundation of unconditional openness to all that arises. Peace isn’t an experience free of challenges, free of rough and smooth, it’s an experience that’s expansive enough to include all that arises without feeling threatened.Taking the Leap:by Pema Chodron, Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears, page 87.
Shared with love, Gary