A Dance Lesson in Life

Yesterday I had an evening phone conference that seemed to keep me anxious all day leading up to the call.  I felt fear around the conference call. As my helper has reminded me time and again, in fear I cannot access my channel to Spirit, I get blocked and even more nervous and anxious. I fall into a vicious circle of ever deepening fear and anxiety. Interesting to watch myself here.

In preparing for the phone conference I composed some notes of key points I wanted to make. In a preparatory phone conference earlier in the day I recited some of these points to my co-leaders. “Are you reading that?” one of them asked. I was shocked to be caught in this. Yes, in fact, I was reading this, I confessed. And she pointed out to me that my words were void of heart or Spirit. Here, painfully, I could see my defense in action: In the face of my fear regarding the phone conference I prepared, over-prepared, even writing out my thoughts and then reading them. My points just had to be solid, logical, wise and even loving.

During this same day I was also in my recording process with Pathwork Lecture #92 —Repressed Needs — Relinquishing Blind Needs — Primary and Secondary Needs. The title sounds a little complex, but the lecture as described by the title so helped me see what was going on here and work through it. While my primary need perhaps was to be present to myself and others during this phone conference, aligned with my being and God, my secondary need that I substituted for my primary need was to be seen as competent.  To be seen as competent is a big one for me. As a counselor once told me over fifteen years ago, “I am amazed that you, Gary, will do almost anything to be seen as competent in what you are doing.” As we know, core issues die slowly! This one is not quite dead yet!

So here in thinking about the conference call I was attached to being seen as competent in my co-leadership role. As the lecture points out, for my real and primary needs to be satisfied I had to come to a “point of relinquishing” my secondary needs.  Here, I had to relinquish being seen as competent, or relinquish to be seen in any other way for that matter. These secondary needs had to be relinquished in order that my real needs of being real and present could be met. In this relinquishing I could set my notes aside and really listen, really tune in — both to what others were saying as well as what Spirit was saying within me. It matters not how others see me. Just be free and spontaneous, dancing with the Mystery of it all. These were the lessons being taught this day.

The conference call finally came, and in this new-found freedom I could truly be there for the call. It was totally different from the call I had been preparing for so nervously earlier in the day. I did not have to have an agenda or a particular outcome in mind. Just follow Guidance as it showed up in others and in myself. How much easier it is when I do not have to have a particular outcome in mind but just show up and follow Spirit as Spirit manifests among us. “Just enter the dance of Life,” I might say.

In this conference call and in preparing with the others in it, I could experience genuine teamwork, genuine good-will offered by all involved. I could learn and grow, even change! And others could mirror back to me that during this conference call my heart was wide open. This mirroring brings up emotions in me. Spirit, alive in me! May I take this in as felt sense. It’s important.

This morning I was still feeling my love from the phone conference. From this place of felt love I prepared an email response to those involved in the conference call. The response came freely, and I could feel its enlivening effect even on me, its wisdom and love from Spirit. This was a beautiful space to be in — surrendered to Spirit, without agenda or specific outcome in mind. I shared it with my co-leaders and then with the others on the call.

After sending it, as I might have expected, I noticed my fear arise again. “Oh was this OK? How will people react and respond?” The familiar nervousness was back!

But I could see that once again my fear and nervousness were due to my defense, due to my need to be seen as competent, as spiritually competent and loving and wise no less! I smiled at myself. What else could I do but smile! And yet I noticed fear arise about what responses might be evoked by my email.

Then, by Grace, I was once again able to relinquish my need to be seen as anything in particular. Maybe some would hate my email or get angry at me about it. Or think it stupid. Maybe it would result in people distancing themselves from me, and so on. AND I noticed that I could relinquish my need to be competent.  Rather, I could let people have their reactions, their choices. It mattered not. I felt aligned with Spirit in what had happened and what I did, what WE did together. And even if this was imperfect, as it had to be seeing I am, and we are, human and not God, that is OK too. I am learning to be free to be who I am, the “good” and the “bad.”  A beautiful day of teaching for me. Learning the Dance of Life. Thank you, Life! Thank you, God!

Feeling love, Gary