The Wrestler

Meditation – Saturday (4/28/12)

Pause and Consider: The Wrestler

I’m realizing how Pat’s comments to me yesterday during our Coffee Time, “Words!, Words!, Too Many Words!” had impacted me. When our Coffee Time began yesterday my energy was high, I was finding ways deep into my soul, and when I shared my energy from there I did not feel seen or accepted by Pat. I assessed my soul itself was hopelessly defective. I dared to risk my excitement, the “Who” of me in the moment. It was a tender spot for me. Vulnerable. AND so good to see and feel these feelings. My disharmonies. Walk into and through the fire, not around it!

During meditation I went inwardly to the familiar questions of “Who am I?” “What am I about?” “Why am I here?” “Is there a purpose to all of this?” Interesting to watch my mind work! So what is going on? Let’s see what arises…

Focusing Statement: Pathwork Lecture 131 Interaction Between Expression and Impression; ¶ 7:

When I speak of the now and of the moment, this can mean only one thing — that is, you yourself.  Your view of the world — your attitude to life, to happenings and to others — can only be a result of your view of, and attitude to yourself.  If you understand yourself in relationship to life, at this moment, you cannot possibly be in darkness.

I do not miss the appropriateness of this focusing statement for my perplexity about who I am. I see that a core issue for me is that my view of and attitude toward myself seem vague and unclear. I do not even want to ask such probing and seemingly obvious questions of myself! Know myself? Well to a degree. But part of me is terrified at probing who I might turn out to be. And yet on the other hand I seem frantic to find out who I am. Like so many of life’s paradoxes: Longing for and fear of what I most desire.

Coffee Time with Pat

I shared the above with Pat. Pat: Perhaps your ego is grabbing at this, grasping for this knowing who it is. Does the Pathwork ever speak of the “No-Self”? Gary: I rebel at the very words “No-Self!” This state seems like it is beyond words. These words – No-Self –  seem like a Zen Koan. With such language and other koans like it, I feel like I am in the ring wrestling with God – like Jacob, or Job. Yes, I know that this is the intention behind a koan, but that doesn’t prevent me from feeling this way in the state I happen to be in at this time.

I notice with Pathwork that the words point the direction of possibility. Yes, for an instant there is a new sense of “connecting the dots,” but then the dots fade away. The words, the concepts, are not to be grasped it seems. Rather, they pull us away from where we were and then let us explore truth on our own. It’s like the role of a rocket getting an object beyond the Earth’s gravitational field and then letting it float freely.

Gary: In reading Shirer’s Rise and Fall of the Third Reich I am struck by the significance of my Lutheran German lineage.  Shirer speaks of the role of Luther and of the Germanic lineage in setting the mind of the Germans toward submissive authoritarian rule. Is this part of what I am bringing to the party to overcome – to break out of the German Lutheran mindset and be my own person? Certainly feels possible!  Pat: The energies you feel in speaking about the German Lutheran heritage seem beyond and more deeply rooted than energies you have concerning your parents and their impact on you. I have a German friend who speaks about this quality and its role on the German people.

Feeling very full.  Shared in love, Gary