Pissed Off at Life

I’m feeling my ordinariness this morning.  Actually my awareness is more about all the pieces of my mask self, my idealized self, that are dropping away and leaving me pretty ordinary.  As I drop into Life, I am more aware of the pain and suffering around me and in me.  I can see how my busyness in roles has been keeping me away from this pain.  How did this awareness emerge?

I assisted in leading a program at Sevenoaks this weekend.  The work was deep and organic.  We all felt so blessed and connected.  There were meaningful pieces for each of us, just being present.  At times I had an insight and wanted to “help” by running with it, but no, this was not about running with my “wonderful” insights but rather about simple presence and being.  Beautiful lessons for us all in being and trusting.

During the program I got a particular insight for myself as well, always more meaningful and real than the “insights” I have for others, my ego’s pride notwithstanding!  Here is what happened.  At one point we were working with clay. To begin, the instructions were to “Put your energy into the clay.” Little did I know I was holding lots of energy, and I found myself squeezing the clay for all my worth.  It felt so good. I had not realized how much energy I had, how much anger and rage was deep down inside of me. Then the words came out, no exploded out, “Give it to me! Give it to me!” I was amazed at the energy and flow of this organic process.  I molded a tray with an object on it.

In these words, “Give it to me,” my entire life pattern emerged in my consciousness.  Whatever “it” is, I won’t manifest it directly, I want it given to me. By whom?  By God? By Life? By others?

What I am willing to do is to work hard in the norms of the culture and be obedient, believing that Life is a reward/punishment system.  I will put forth 110% effort (even 200% effort) toward many things that are not really me with the expectation that Life will reward me with what I really long for.

For example, I want love in my life, giving and receiving love.  And I shall work hard so that people give me love, or its many lesser qualities: praise, acceptance, submission to my wishes, and other things I take as substitutes for the love I long for.  My “working hard” for love is trying to earn love somehow, to be worthy of love.  If I don’t work hard, I will not receive love.  There it is, my life mantra: “Work hard, be competent, obey, and Life will reward you with happiness.” There’s the deal.  And it’s counter part giving rise to fear, even terror, “Don’t work as hard as you possibly can, disobey, don’t be fully competent at all cost, and life will send you to “hell” and give you misery, hatred, and isolation.”

But the one thing needed for love, my personal development so that I have access to my inherent capacity to give and receive love, that I do not want to do. Oh I’ll adopt look-good practices, teach Pathwork, even spend thousands of hours carefully recording Pathwork lectures, but DOING the personal work of Pathwork, that seems to be asking too much of me. Actually seeing deeply my mask and lower self aspects, the tyranny of my idealized self-image,  feeling remorse for all the pain these aspects have brought to others and myself, and then longing to actually change on a feeling level, these necessary steps I too often avoid while I’m off working 110% in so many other ways just to earn love.  And without that genuine hard work of personal development, no matter all my “hard work” in so many other areas, love will not, can not, come to me. In a way, all my “hard work” is my attempt to cheat life by getting what I want without doing my personal work of development.  I was blind, and invested in this blindness.

So “Give it to me” became a lifelong, but unconscious, demand of life, of others, of God.  Yet all the time what I longed for only I could give myself.  I need to accept my imperfections (be in the reality of the now) and then gradually grow from the work-hard-so-you-will-reward-me program to the letting-go-so-God-can-manifest-through-and-in-me program.  I have unconsciously wanted Life to hand me what I wanted on a silver platter, rewarding me for my “hard work” and obedience, rather than directly manifesting what I long for from my own essence.

Now that was quite an insight.  I had not realized how pissed off at God, at Life, at others I had become. All because I did not want to do my personal work (actually effortless effort) required so that I could have the capacity to manifest and hold the love, the creativity, the joy, the connections to life, God, and others I long for.