"Not OK" Under the Microscope of My Daily Review
This morning (Wednesday, August 15) I wonder where I am with my daily review practice – each morning reviewing my disharmonies that floated into my life moment by moment the day before. I notice that I do not welcome them the way Rumi suggests (open), but rather judge myself for them. “I should not have disharmonies!” I see that I want to live in denial. Or I struggle against my disharmonies and against being “merely and utterly human.”
Even my using the word “struggle” here reflects my judgment of myself. “I am NOT OK if I have to struggle to be merely and utterly human. I should already be in the state of accepting my “perfect” imperfect humanity!” These are the judgments of my inner critic that float about in my head. So this not fully accepting myself as merely and utterly human takes me face to face with my Idealized Self Image: I SHOULD, after 12 years of Pathwork, be able to accept myself as merely and utterly human, my state of 50/50. My oh my.
So let me try to be more kind to myself in my daily review…
This morning I am fearful concerning my blog entry yesterday. Am I being insensitive toward my friend who is dying by putting this exchange between us into my blog? I am fearful about not being fully accepted at my writing group where I shared this piece of writing yesterday. My belief: My writing has to be profound and brilliant or I shall not be accepted and loved. As I slow down I can feel my fear of not being “good enough” and thus being rejected or ridiculed. So again I am in the performance mode of living my life, my Enneagram THREEness, and when I assess that my performance is mediocre I become fearful. Work harder! Work harder!
I shared this addiction to performance in an open session at the International Conference last week. It resonated with many. One came up later and said how open and honest I had been. But another insightful friend approached me and said, “Your sharing about depending upon performance was great, quite a performance in itself!” Ouch! And even in the “Ouch” I am not being accepting of my being merely and utterly human for having to perform to fit in! We both smiled as we recognized even this subtle nuance revealing an even deeper issue for me. It is like the vicious circle of fearing to feel the fear of feeling fear of feeling the fear….
Another aspect of my daily review… While I enjoyed editing the 350 photos I sent to the Pathwork Foundation, I was fearful in that I noticed some participants were left out. This made me sad, but again I was also fearful. The job I did was not “perfect”! I shall hurt the people I left out! They will be upset with me, “And rightly so,” my inner critic says. My being merely and utterly human is again leaking out, and I am not being OK with this being human.
More fear concerning getting the Pathwork graduate program going, getting the system in place to run the Pathwork school, getting ready for the Faculty Retreat this weekend, and the Finance Committee meeting today, and perhaps the Pathwork Council meeting tomorrow. And on and on. Wondering how I have gotten myself into all of this activity and the anxiety it creates for me.
Then feeling sadness in not feeling closer to Pat these days due to all this busyness. This, too, is NOT OK. Our relationship must be warm and perfect all the time. And just what does “perfect” mean in our relationship? This is a phantom “goal.” Beautiful to see this pressure I put on myself so as NOT to be “merely and utterly human.” So much illusory existence here.
A reading from Paragraph 3 of Pathwork Lecture 151 – Intensity: An Obstacle to Self-Realization:
Greetings, my dearest friends. The divine blessings streaming in the atmosphere around and within you are a powerful force, available to you provided you are open and receptive to it.
I feel a prayer arise: May I feel my longing to be connected to Divine Blessings streaming in the atmosphere around and within me. May I come to feel and trust the benign nature of the Cosmos and of my Divine Kernel that is my true identity. And in this Divine Energy, may I be OK with my being merely and utterly human!
Pat arrived for coffee time. I talked about my wrestling about our relationship. Pat: The “old” has to fall away – there is no room for the old. Gary: The old is the familiar personality level, the dualistic 100/100. It is so hard to let go of this dualistic 100/100 thinking. My ego’s very existence depends upon being separate. So my ego must risk its existence, risk death, in order to experience the Oneness that lies behind duality.
Pat: All the ways you and I keep separate from each other will go away – for example our separate finances. This coming to Oneness is our intention, to enter Union. And as we do, the ways we are separate will go away.
We are in a huge unknown here – we must open to trust the benign nature of the Cosmos. This goes back to your prayer:
May I feel my longing to be connected to Divine Blessings streaming in the atmosphere around and within me. May I come to feel and trust the benign nature of the Cosmos and of my Divine Kernel that is my true identity. And in this Divine Energy, may I be OK with my being merely and utterly human!
Shared in love, Gary