Loving the Part of Me that Doesn't
I shared a piece of what is going on in my life per my previous post with a friend of mine. I did not feel seen and could not engage more into this matter. What arose in me was my deep need for approval from others. I sometimes wonder if even this blog at times is a reaching out for connection with others on the matters that interest me, if I am looking to be seen, to be approved by others. To engage deeply with others.
But intellectually I realize that depending on approval from the outside will never satisfy. To the extent I need outside approval I am at risk. Outside approval will never be enough, and it will be fickle, there one day and gone the next.
Intellectually I realize that only I can say I am OK, and MEAN IT. And I realize there is an inner critic part of me that says I am not OK. This critic says that I must be perfect in every way, and that where I am not perfect I deserve to be punished. Feels very young in me. The critic sounds a lot like the Satan of the bible, the accuser.
But this critic is a part of me that needs to be recognized. And loved. I could see that there is a need for a higher self part of me even to have a capacity to love this tyrant critic inside.
Then I saw that I have a choice. I can identify with the inner critic — and be miserable … and stuck in my misery. Or I can identify with my Higher Self, that objective observer part of me, who can look at the other parts of me, including the inner critic, with compassion. From here there can be love, growth, and maturation. From here my young pieces, including my inner critic, can grow up.
Pat enters the conversation as we sit on our deck sipping our morning coffee. She is in touch with the powerlessness of humans to love the parts of us that don’t love ourselves, our critics. She could see that we are not able to do this on our own. It is surrender that is required. In surrender to a Higher Source we can experience the transcendence that does have the capacity to love all parts of ourselves.
Pat could taste the freedom in this space, if but for a moment. Giving up having to do what I cannot do (love the part of myself that does not love myself). I realize that I am powerless, but I can lean int he direction of the Divine. She corrected herself, “No, I am not even able to do that.” I would always be asking am I leaning enough, am I surrendered enough. No, it is more just acceptance of this capacity to love my negative aspects. I do not need to do a thing. It is simply receiving.
I rejoined the conversation with the notion that this is a receiving from our own Divine essence, the Oneness of which we are each a part. It is our ego that wants to be separate. And with our ego comes our critic, our little Satan side, the accuser, the punisher.
Pat noted that we cannot come to these realizations by just using our minds. It is Grace, not Will. I recalled Pathwork Lecture 179 which noted that we do our work and Grace happens spontaneously, as if it had nothing to do with our work, but in point of fact Grace would not happen if we were not doing our work, the work required to be open and receptive to Grace. “Yes,” Pat responded, “Being open to Grace, which is here always.” She came to the phrase, “Trusting the Movement of Grace.” Perhaps this will be her intention for her next series of Authentic Movement classes, she observed.
And I concluded our time with the notion that if we do our work in order to receive Grace, we are still off. We do our work to be in truth, to be undefended in life, and then the Grace that surrounds us can flood in on us spontaneously.
It was a beautiful morning of nature, coffee, and sharing. We feel rich and blessed.