As I consider my previous post on Jesus Christ, I realize that part of my challenge is letting go of limited thinking regarding what such connecting experiences might be like. I cannot imagine what is beyond my conscious experience, and this refusal to allow what is beyond my imagination is limiting my experiencing all that is beyond my imagination.
I say I long for love, for connecting, but at the same time my ego wants to stay in tight control, not wanting to surrender to what true spontaneous opening of my heart to another might be like. I may want to observe such a relationship, but I am frightened by the possibility of experiencing such a relationship of love.
Why the fear? Many reasons arise. My distortion of love says that to love is to obey, to love is to deny my very self and give myself over to another. I would sacrifice my very being in a loving relationship.
And the upside of such a loving relationship, not being in my conscious experience, is unknown to me. So a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. What is this love experience that everyone says they seek? Until I KNOW, I am not willing to risk giving up selfishness to get it.
Another factor is control. I do not want to yield to spontaneous arisings in me that may be out of my control. I want to carefully evaluate what may arise in me and then choose how to meter it out. So much unknown here, and while I talk about the wonder of the Mystery, in point of fact I am not willing to enter mystery it seems.
Let me sit with this awareness and modicum of understanding of why this fear is present in me. Just now I can see how my refusing to risk losing control, refusing to risk going beyond what I know consciously and go into the Mystery, limits my capacity to receive the experiences of love that await me.