In Preparation for our Couple's Intensive
Spirit has been working in us these past few weeks, and now last few days, as we build toward our Couple’s Intensive with Sage and Anthony, which begins in Toronto on Thursday (tomorrow) evening and runs through Saturday. We return home on Sunday. Two and a half days – the two of us with the two of them. It will be precious on many levels.
Yesterday Pat’s and my coffee time was great, and last night we listened to the recording of our most recent session with Sage and Anthony which occurred two weeks ago. Then this morning’s coffee time seemed to bring things together that we are to work on as individuals on a spiritual journey within our couplehood. Yes, the energy is building.
Gary: Listening to the session last night was a bit frightening for me; I could see some deep relational patterns in me that go back as far as I can remember. I can see my long-embedded pattern of trying to attract women with aspects of my Soul’s Essence so that the woman would draw out the Essence of my physicality and my sexuality. Arrogantly, and unconsciously, I considered myself a “pretty good catch,” as far as women are concerned – good student, “good” boy, very generous and kind, an achiever, a leader in most circles I ran in, solid member of the church, and the like. But what I left out was the physical, emotional, and sexual aspects of my Essence. These aspects were quite undeveloped, especially as related to my connecting to women. This indirect approach to women (indirect meaning achievement, generosity, etc.), of course, rarely worked, especially where I desired a relationship with a particular woman for whom I felt Eros (like you). I didn’t “get” what was wrong as I was growing up – through adolescence into my late adult years – OK until even now.
My disharmony in listening to the recording of our session with Sage and Anthony was in realizing that indirect approaches wouldn’t work. As Sage said in our session, I have to be the “prince” operating directly from my physical, emotional, and sexual Essence if I am going to awaken the deep feminine within you. The fear in me of being direct in my physical, emotional and sexual Essence is palpable – in fact terrifying and overwhelming. As I realize this terror of having to show up in my emotional, physical, and sexual Essence I sense qualities of not of a “prince” coming in to awaken the feminine, but rather of an immature, creepy, geeky and inept man lost in the world of women, women who naturally are repulsed by such geeky aspects in me. I give the woman all the power and control in any relationship I have with a woman, and believe that to approach her directly in my physicality, emotionality, and sexuality is most dangerous, bringing up her certain rejection and even laughter.
These levels of immaturity are amazing realizations, and yet seem to fit, at least on some level. And I find that I can explore all of this with some level of curiosity, letting go of the fear of rejection by you or any other woman I find desirable. I notice that I would want you to have more of a “prince” than I can yet offer. This is what we are working with on my end. This is the awareness I am bringing into the intensive.
Pat: And on my end, in our session Sage saw my feminine deep down within me. When I shared that on some level I realized that I could not be in my body my entire life, that sharing in and of itself, rather than bringing shame, brought relief. I could say, “Please help me!” Sage focused of course on one of the incidents in my young life where my femininity was squashed. I was flattened in a moment of claiming my feminine beauty and charm as a little girl. That, and other wounds subsequently, have been a challenging environment for my femininity to grow out of.
This feminine aspect of my Essence is like a Mystery, a deeply buried Mystery. But there is a part of me that Knows that deep femininity is here in me and that it can come forth. There is no doubt in me whatsoever! We are shedding light on that thread of the deeply wounded feminine – calling that femininity forth, allowing it. And all of this is beyond what my mind can figure out. The best approach is opening to that thread of Mysterious reality that is that wounded feminine. Again, there is no doubt that I can connect in to that Mystery. This Knowing is my saving Grace. If I were to look only at the lack of what has been – if all I could imagine, for example, only on bearing two children without truly being in my body, if I would just look at the pain of that with no trust in the Great Mystery, it would be overwhelming. Both Knowing that my physical femininity is there, and struggling to access it, and then seeing you as the heart-full man that you are at your Essence – this brings me to the Knowing that you are the one I love.
Gary: And I love the deep feminine behind the smashed wounded feminine. We both hold the higher vision of the other. We both look at the other and say, “Come forth!” Whom are we calling forth from the other? I am calling the deep feminine behind the wounded feminine in you, and you are calling forth the emotions of the passionate heart, the masculine body, and my sexuality that lie behind my deep wounds in these areas of my being. Our respective wounds block the emerging. And we are absolutely committed to each other in this calling forth process.
Pat: AMEN! These morning coffee times are so rich. No one else, not our kids, our friends, our colleagues, have to understand what goes on in our morning coffee times. As 12-year-old Jesus said, “We are about our Father’s business!”
What do we need to “let go of “to be about our “Father’s business”? Certainly I feel my calling also to be with my dearest friends. We truly connect. They, too, are me being about my Father’s business. Gary: And I have my dear Pathwork friend and other people in my life that I feel are a part of my Father’s business. But I see so much of my Sevenoaks organizational work as not related to my Father’s business. On one level I feel I have so much to offer, but on the other hand what I have to offer does not seem to be relevant or received. For example my budget process, or other reports I prepare for Sevenoaks – ultimately these things that to me bring clarity seem not to be seen as all that helpful by others. I am dismayed, frustrated. Eventually I grieve this situation. Oh there is nice lip service of appreciation at times, but not really using the information to run the business of Sevenoaks. And I accept that what I offer may, in fact, not be needed or all that useful, but then all the more reason for me to move on, as I am.
Pat: This is a lifelong pattern in you it seems – you have been making offerings in places that where what you have to offer has simply not been able to be received, except perhaps superficially as you say. “Not being seen in your Essence” is your biggest wound and yet some do see you in your Essence. Gary: Yes, I am clear that a handful of people really see and engage me – Moira, Jenny, you of course, Erena it seems, Sage and Anthony, Brian O’Donnell I believe, Ed Gutfreund, my brother Paul, and so on. But not, on the other hand, so many people I work with intensely in the organization called Sevenoaks. There I feel like a duck out of water.
Pat: You are at an edge place where you finally recognize the value of what you have to offer, but also see that so much of the ground around you is not ready to receive the seeds of what you have to offer. Your pattern is to throw seeds out irrespective of whether or not they are received, and “sticking with that seed-throwing process no matter what” – your church long ago, your various careers, etc. And for these past four years your work with Sevenoaks. You enjoy the creativity of making seeds and throwing them out. But now perhaps you are being called to plant seeds with more care, planting them where they are received and where they can manifest into beautiful plants. Now you want to go for fields where there is mutual engagement between others and you and your many ideas. Remember, giving and receiving are one — the effortless effort place.
Where are your fields, Gary? We are bound by our patterned limitations. We need to free ourselves by moving toward the Mystery that is US. In each of us is the Knowing of the Unknown. This is like Jake in Avatar, hooking up to the fierce flying beast. We Know the feel of that fierce energy field. The Uniqueness of US – beyond what we imagined. Gary: And so we enter our intensive tomorrow evening! I enter this time of the four of us with expectancy but no expectations. Sage and Anthony have become true and dear friends over this year – an experience so new to me – so we can enjoy the NOW of our time together, an energetic field formed by the four of us together for these next few days. We are so blessed in this life.
Shared in love, Gary
Epilog – After our coffee time I went to the gym and on my exercise walk listened to Pathwork Lecture #7 – Asking for Help and Helping Others. Early paragraphs of this lecture covered some of the organizational issues above regarding Building a Spiritual Support Network. (Open this quote). I found this quote very helpful – balancing matters from several perspectives.