Following Desires

As does Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communications program, a Pathwork lecture I am working with, #29, invites me to look at the profile of my unfulfilled desires (unmet needs) as a source of my pattern of negative emotions — like fear, anger, frustration.  The Pathwork lecture invites me to distinguish between my pure motivation and desires (to satisfy my real, positive, and healthy needs) and my many distorted motivations and desires (to satisfy my false needs).   Motivations for a particular behavior or action can be many, and the Lecture points out that it is important to see them all and discern what each motivation is.

I took this concept into my morning meditation.  “What are my deepest desires?” The answer came quickly, and its single pointedness startled me.  What I desire more than anything is to experience my connection to God.

My first reaction to this was resistance, “Oh really now, Gary?   Can this be true?” Surely my highest desire cannot be to experience my connection to God.  Maybe connection to Pat, or to my kids, but not God. I’m surprised that it is “connection” at all that is my highest desire.

What came next in meditation was the evidence.  I realized that I feel closest to God, or perhaps to the Pathwork Guide let’s say, or even most elivend by and passionate about Life, when I am reading, studying, teaching, applying, or recording the Pathwork lectures.

Yes, I can feel my passion for this.  Yesterday Pat was away, and I chose to spend the majority of the day reading and recording lectures.   It’s just what I love to do. Then this morning I added more material to my website: several Pathwork Quotes and Pathwork Presentations.  It was nearly noon and I had not stopped for breakfast.  Yes, my passion is so alive in this space.

As I meditated further this morning I realized also that I have a great desire to connect with people, connect in an authentic and deep way.  And certainly this applies to my connection to Pat.

Other God-connecting points are when I am in Nature, mostly being dazzled by a wildflower, even the common dandelion.   Or watching Leonard Bernstein direct Mahler’s Fifth Symphony, which was my break from the lectures yesterday.  Yes, much feeds me.  These connections seem to be my highest desire.  And is some way they seem to be my connection to Life, to God.

And I can also see where I get distorted in these passions. I see my self-will driving my relationship with Pat all too often.  Yes, I long for an ever-deepening relationship with Pat, but I want it my way, and that forcing current gets in the way of what I truly long for in our relationship.  I see that, and I am sorry for my blindness in this over the years.

Or I can see my reaching out in my website and blog, sharing my passions and my love for the Pathwork, yet there is a thread (or maybe a cable!) of pride running through these passions. I get too attached to checking in on how many folks actually even look at my website, frustrated when there is a “low visit” day.

I love the quote from Lecture 27 that I was also working with yesterday. It pointed out that, regarding “working in God’s vineyard,” this service in the vineyard is strictly between God and me, independent from any outside support, lack of support, or even of resistance and criticism I may face. When these latter influence my moods, I am in my pride and self-will, not in the vineyard!

I can also see that this blog is a reaching out for connection, as is the entire website.  The thought came up that my intensity in all of this suggests I may be starved for the connection I long for. But is this blog and website the right means for answering my hunger and desire?  Maybe, some yes, some no. In the end it matters not whether or not any seeds I throw out into the cosmos find hungry soil.  The point of Lecture 29 is simply to be aware of all the false motives that float around my pure motive in all in which I involve myself.

Well Pat just got home, so I’ll check in with her, hopefully with a little less self-will then I had when she left on Friday.