Finding More Fulfillment in 2010?

As I look at 2009 I am aware of areas of unfulfillment.  Most noticeable are areas where I have not reached out in a Pathwork teaching role or in a Pathwork Helper Apprentice role, the latter being one of seeing workers in Pathwork helper sessions. Both of these roles would be natural extensions of my Pathwork Teaching and Helper Training, and would answer an inner sense of calling to be of service in this way. What blocks me in this reaching out in these ways?

Another area of unfulfillment has to do with my blocked love and feeling channels. How can I feel my feelings more deeply?  How can I love Pat and others more fully? All of these perceived shortcomings tear at my soul as I enter 2010.

And looking at this another way, what blocks me from experiencing more fulfillment in areas where there seems to have actually been fulfillment? These would include just having finished recording my 200th Pathwork Lecture, initiative in helping to sponsor three Helper gatherings, financially supporting several Pathwork initiatives, serving on the Pathwork Council, and related matters such as my developing relationship with Pat and with my kids and friends, or my web and blog entries.  Why do I dismiss all of this rather than feel some sense of fulfillment? Do I somehow see feeling fulfillment as wrong or arrogant, or that I am unworthy of such a satisfying feeling?

Two things occurred on this New Year’s Day that nurtured me in this inquiry.  First was a reading from Pathwork Lecture 100 Meeting the Pain of Destructive Patterns. I copied out several paragraphs from this lecture in my Pathwork Quote Section and titled it Pain of Unfulfillment.  It was dead-on for my dilemma in the sense that it reminded me first to fully feel both my sense of unfulfillment as well as my blocks against areas of actual fulfillment.  Yes, tons of frustration here!  Then to trace these feelings back to similar feelings in my early life, and see how I built up a defense against feeling these early pains.  If I can break down these defense patterns, I am confident that I would experience healthy fulfillment both in what is actually being fulfilled in my work and relationships as well as manifesting more fulfillment where I sense an unanswered call for me.  Working these inquiry issues seems like good work for entering 2010.

Even now I see that part of my early defense system came from not being mirrored for who I was. Of course this was true for most of us. Who I was and what interests me (cosmology, theology, spirituality, big-picture things, connection with others) were ignored as irrelevant while emphasis was placed on being good, being obedient, accepting authority, looking good, and doing well in school and elsewhere.  At least this is what I took in, whether or not it was explicit or implicit in my environment.  All good avenues for further inquiry.

The second occurrence came from morning coffee time with Pat, as happens so often.  We had had a particularly powerful couple’s session with our therapist on Wednesday that invited us to pause more and truly take in and honor the healing that is going on in our relationship and in each of us as we open our lives to each other more and more.  So this morning Pat shared that for her our morning coffee time is a unique time of nourishment for her. She said that she felt nourished in the presence, spaciousness, and openness I provided for her in our morning coffee time.

I can see how quickly I want to dismiss her reflections.  Take the spotlight off myself and turn more to her and her experiences.  But as I slow down, I see that this is exactly what could bring me a deep sense of fulfillment, here as Pat’s partner and friend.  What more could I need to feel fulfillment than to see and experience my presence nurturing someone I loved? Yet I resist taking this in.  It is too much to take in.  More to inquire about as I enter 2010.

And if I turn to having a teaching or helping role, what more could I offer than being a nourishing space for a worker or a student? Yes I have tons to say and would never want for insights, but these, to be helpful, must be held in a safe container of what Pat described as “presence, spaciousness, and openness.” These are the qualities that nurture, not my “brilliant” insights or “understanding of Pathwork concepts,” as helpful and relevant as they might be (or not).

This has been helpful for entering 2010.  It gives me a sense of where to focus my attention — seeing my early defenses related to my own sense of fulfillment.

How about you and your sense of fulfillment?  I wish you the most you are able to take in during this next decade of this 21st Century.