Early Rough Start of a Relationship

This morning Pat and I tackled the sensitive area of early times in our relationship. Beneath our attraction to each other there were times of resistance and often times of deep pain, fear, and disappointment in both of us — for different reasons of course. We did not know how to deal with this pain back then, broke off from each other for a couple of years, and for the most part kept these painful areas as our respective secrets. It was only nine years ago, in 2003, that we got back together to give a primary relationship a try for a second time.

Pat: What is Eros? What growth do we each need to experience “intercourse on all levels,” a phrase Sage used in our first Skype call back in February? I experienced some Eros toward you in that earlier period before we really got together in 2003, but it was quickly cut off.  Gary:  It is so important for me to hear this. I thought Eros toward me did not exist back then in those rough years of our early relationship. In those days I felt what I thought was my Eros toward you, but I was never sure what our relationship was about for you beyond our being spiritual buddies on the path of life. So let me take that in.  You had moments of Eros toward me…

I can see the dualistic black and white in me back then — thinking that either you experienced Eros toward me 100% or not at all. No true balance of black AND white in gray, or, better yet, technicolor. So this rigid duality in me back then needs to be accepted.  And of course I am interested in what cut Eros off in you. Pat: You were in a crazy place from a relationship perspective and had lots of work to do on yourself inwardly and outwardly before a primary relationship with me could even be considered, your claimed Eros toward me notwithstanding. I assessed that I knew that fact better than you did, or at least I assessed you did not realize it or believe that you had work to do. And even a year or two into this first pre-2003 round of relating, when I finally agreed to consider a primary relationship with you, you were so forceful that after a week I had to cut you off — I was not in the market for what you were offering me! I assessed that this forcefulness came from your not yet having done your personal development work.

That was nearly twelve years ago. And then, of course, there were the major upheavals going on in my own life that were making me unavailable for any really serious consideration of a primary relationship with you. It was all very painful for me too, but I did not think you were able to feel my pain, and of course I did not feel safe enough with you to share it. It was only in 2003 after the dust settled somewhat in my own life and after you had made a few years progress in your work that we could try a primary relationship again, but there was a lot of baggage back then that we have not even now worked through I suspect.

And there is a difference today. Now, after our second start in 2003, after nine years of being together in a primary relationship, there is one thing you can bank on: I am open to an evolving relationship with you more than ever, open to entering the Mystery of our relationship, without even knowing what this means. Gary: I cannot ask for more. And I would not want to ask for anything more, for that “asking for more” would come from an unhealthy forcing current in me that doesn’t even seem to be a part of me these days. I’m glad for that! Growth does happen.

I too am committed to our slowly and naturally evolving relationship. Again back to our intensive’s theme: Open to Possibilities and no firm “Yes” or firm “No” to what in the past we may have thought a relationship was about. We did not know much about deep relationships back then, or about all the things going on in our own psyches that fought against our having an intimate relationship. Today we are committed to what may be asked of us in this process of coming into a deeper relationship. We see this process as our own personal growth, growth made possible only through committed couple hood. This is the “path within the path.”

Pat: On another point, I notice that we are not very playful in our relationship. Gary: Yes, and yet we have been playful in other relationships, so we know this spontaneous playful territory lies somewhere within us, and we both long for it in our relationship. All part of New Possibilities.

A challenging but helpful coffee-time conversation.

Shared in love, Gary