Let me dig a little deeper.  What exactly was my fear leading up to my leadership role on Friday?  First of all it was not a debilitating fear — I could lead the session just fine, and did not feel the fear in doing so.  In fact when afterwards I shared with one of the participants my fear issues, she was stunned.  She saw me as relaxed and comfortable in the role, very natural, and thought it was well done.  And her words did not lessen this fear that I felt.  Not one bit.

So maybe there are various types of fear.  What type is this fear that plagues me? It feels huge, ever-present, and pervasive.  I think the word is existential, not rational or theoretical but experiential, and relating to my very beingness.    I do not think it is depression, because even though I feel fear, at the same time I feel very alive and active and engaged with life.

Let’s take my current fear, the fear of going into this teaching role in Pathwork in two and a half weeks.  What is this fear about?  Part of it is related to not knowing what we are going to do yet.  I feel pressure to get things down on paper.  A framework.  Do I fear that the framework will not come together?  Not really.  Our teaching team has lots of ideas floating around.  So what is it?

In part the fear comes because I rely not on a formulary plan or a curriculum handed to me by other faculty but rather because I rely on my intuition to let fresh plans arise from within me and from my engagement with my lead teacher. And then in the group I rely on my intuition to let the leading go where it wants to go, following the flow of energy and Spirit in the group.  And I notice in this that I can be creative and responsive both in preparation and execution, even spontaneous much of the time. In other words, what shows up is very much me.

I am getting closer to the fear now.  I am afraid of being me!  I am afraid that I shall not have the skills or talents to be effective in leading from this core of me. How will I lead this type of work or that type of work, all standard fare of our 4-day sessions — things like core energetics, meditation sessions, movement and dance sessions, breath-work, artwork, rituals, and emotional-processing work-scenes, to name a few.  I feel like David facing Goliath.  I have a slingshot that I know how to use (my slingshot is just being me, fully present), and yet in learning a lot of specific techniques (core energetics, etc.)  I feel like David felt when Saul gave him his armor to carry into battle.  The armor was not David, rather it just got in the way, and in the end David faced Goliath without armor, with just his being, confidence, trust, and slingshot.  And David was not afraid.

Fear is my lack of trust.  What or whom do I not trust? I do not trust me.  I do not trust that I have the skills necessary to use the many tools of Pathwork Transformation Program, to wear the armor and carry the weapons.  AND I do not trust my slingshot, my core essence and presence.  This, of course, is a both/and, not an either/or.  I need to develop my skills to effectively wear the armor and use the weapons AND I need to trust my Essence, my Presence, God within and without, and my slingshot.

There, that clarity helps a bit.  But I also need to be where I am and not ahead of where I am.  I am a student, always have been, always will be. And as a student I must be willing to make mistakes, lots of them, as I master the skills of this work, mastering both the tools and the Presence.  And I must come to trust Spirit, both within the group and arising from within me.   This mastery and trusting is my edge, my challenge.  And my calling.

As I consider this challenge I find I relate very much to the words of Pathwork Lecture 199 — The Meaning of the Ego and Its Transcendence. I want to sit with the words of this lecture as they apply to my leadership and my fear of leadership.

Blessings and love over the holiday weekend,

Gary

On Friday I had the opportunity to combine this idea in Pathwork with an idea of Ira Progoff in his Intensive Journaling work.  He calls this process Imagery in Decision-Making.  In this you look at a decision in front of you, identify two or three choices you have, and then, in a quiet space, spend time imaging what would happen in your life if you made the decision for, say, choice 1.  What would unfold. Let your imagination go. And notice what you encounter, and especially what feelings arise on that road as your life unfolds. Write down the feelings as they arise in this visualization. Then, after ten minutes or so go back to the beginning and do the same thing for choice 2, and so on. His idea is that by allowing feelings to arise on each path you visualize you are tapping into a layer of your unconscious. It will result in more resolve and commitment to the choice you make because your choice will be more deeply grounded in your being.  This is beyond simple rational argument of one decision vs. another, arguments that come from strictly mental processes.

As I said, on Friday I tried this.  I have been trying to see how my work with Ira Progoff’s Intensive Journaling could be integrated with my work in Pathwork. On Friday, in Intensive Journaling work, we were looking specifically at how Ira-Progoff-Style Journaling could evolve in our lives.  I identified three ways: 1) I could be passive and merely attend journaling activities offered by others.  2) I could work on my own, read his books, listen to his tapes, maybe take a course or two, but simply work apart from others.  3) I could be active in our journal groups, step into leadership with others, and try to integrate this Intensive Journal writing with the various Pathwork activities in which I am involved.

In following Path 1, being passive, I noticed the following came up as I visualized going down this path…   I’m relaxed.  I’m free to do what I want.  I’m frustrated, I assess that I am wasting gifts that have been offered, that I am wasting what I’ve been taught by my teacher and by Ira, I am not following my calling, I feel empty, lazy, selfish.  I have low energy.  I have hardly anyone around me.  I am frustrated with myself.   Yikes.

In following Path 2, working on my own, I noticed the following: excitement getting into the books and tapes, excitement in trying to do the Intensive Journaling work.  I can work alone and not be bothered by others.  I am becoming lonely.  Theoretical.  Isolated.  I am not engaged with others.  I am dying on the vine.  Yikes.

In following Path 3, becoming active with those around me and with Pathwork, I notice:  Lots of energy and enthusiasm, lots of engagement.  Feeling fulfilled.  Then fear creeps in, lots of fear, even terror.  What am I doing in this?!  I notice limited capacity to enjoy such abundance in the face of terror.  I am offsetting this fear with activity, being swallowed up in doing more and more. Journal work is intense.  Overwhelm sets in.  Yikes.

Interesting that each path has an upside and a downside.  No obvious “right” answer.  Another Pathwork lecture talks about every decision offers advantages and disadvantages and it is important to know each. So the next part of the discernment is for me to clearly list the advantages and disadvantages of each side–but from this deeper feeling place, not simply from a head-logic place.

Path 1 – Passive.  Advantages: would have free time, no pressures for leadership, no worries about leading anything, I could pick and choose whatever I wanted, would have lots of time for other things.   Disadvantages: no inspiration, not much real engagement, sense of wasting talents and gifts offered, I would never master this journaling process, likely.

Path 2 – Work on Own.  Advantages: Could go at my own pace, no pressure for teaching or leadership, probably inexpensive, no compromises required with others. Disadvantages: Probably would not do what was needed since no commitment required, no engagement with others — and engagement is something I thrive on.

Path 3 – Actively play a leadership role.  Advantages:  Requires commitment which would likely mean I would spend the necessary time to do it and grow, engagement — which is important to me, I would feel fulfilled and energized. Disadvantages:  Could consume me if I let it, and I do have a pattern of getting overly involved in such programs, would bring up great fear and anxiety — having to teach!– fear that would have to be addressed directly, not get numbed out by excessive work.

I feel drawn to Path 3 — Active Leadership. I realize what the disadvantages are that I have to watch.  I see the need to work with my fear, and this would be good for me.  My fear is due to a lack of trust.  Lots to work on here.  But the advantages are worth it.  Beyond that, really addressing the disadvantages — my fear in this — could be the greatest advantage I get from Path 3.

So the tools of discernment in decision-making include:

1. Articulate the choices in a given decision

2. Do Ira Progoff’s Imaging Decision Making Process to get below logic into your deeper feelings and other dimensions of your unconscious

3. Identify the advantages and disadvantages of each choice from this deeper place

4. Make your decision, using your associated feelings as your major criteria

5. As Pathwork suggests, visualize feeling the feelings associated with the path you are choosing in your meditations,

6. As Pathwork suggests, be prepared to deal with the disadvantages of your chosen path — and realize that dealing with the disadvantage could be the greatest advantage of the choice you made.

I found this process helpful and wanted to share it.  We’ll see how it works out. How might this work for you?

With love,

Gary

I used to judge these earlier times in my life harshly, blaming myself for my immaturity on all fronts.  But now I am much more compassionate toward a younger Gary.  In those earlier decades Gary was not ready for more.  He did not have the capacity, for example, for a mature, whole relationship with a woman — a relationship that was mature sexually, physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.  He was not even ready for a whole relationship with himself! He was not at home in his body, not able to play spontaneously, not able to feel and know his emotions, or sense a deeper purpose and meaning in life.  So now I do not blame him for his behavior and decisions.  I just smile and watch his growing capacity in all these areas.

And this younger Gary did not have a capacity for a deeper spirituality, a deep and rich relationship with God, a profound sense of love, wisdom and oneness with All that Is.  So without this capacity he did what he could do:  Learned dogma, practiced prayer, read his bible.  Even led bible classes and held leadership offices in the church.  But today I can see that he was probably a closet atheist — still Knowing that there was a larger Cosmos out there that seemed like a foreign world to the spirituality he was learning and living in the church.  Oh he would learn, even teach and defend the doctrine, but I doubt that he had the capacity to experience a true relationship with God, or Source.  And again today I smile rather than blame.  He was simply doing all he knew how to do.  He was not ready for more.

And finally his career came out of the same mold, pursuing what the culture said was a worthy career — becoming an engineer and businessman.  But once again this was not his true nature.  His roots were in spirituality, psychology, and philosophy, but he had no idea how to give these passions voice in his life.  So he did what he could do, and did it fairly well.  He was not ready for more.

So today I have a much more accepting and loving relationship with this younger Gary. He did what he could do, he did it fairly well, and he was not ready for more. To have such acceptance of a younger Gary has required much growth in its own right. Growth to take him in just as he was, just as he had to be, and growth to love and respect him just as he was, and all he could have been back then.

So now I look at where I am today, mid 2010.  I look at my relationship with Pat.  I can see a part of me wishes I were ready for more, but I have to admit that am not ready.  Over ten years ago I announced to her that I was looking for a whole relationship with a woman — a relationship complete on the sexual, physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual levels.  Of course that was true; but, my God did I not realize that I had no capacity for such a lofty relationship!  Just now I am getting to the point of understanding the severe limitations of my capacity for love and deep relationships. So I relax into where I am in my capacity for relationships.   It is important to love this NOW Gary, just as I have come to love my younger Gary.

On the spiritual side, too, I see the severe limitations of my capacity for a deep spiritual life.  I smile at my “longing” for “nondual” spirituality.  As I slow down, I can begin to see that all this spiritual maturing is an organic and natural unfolding, not something I long for or try to achieve — I do not even know what it means experientially to live a completely nondual or unitive life, so how can I long for something I do not even know.  Rather, I just let my spiritual life unfold in its own time at its own pace.  There is plenty of living in life just where I am, partially  mature, partially immature, and everything in between! I am not ready to be more than I already am.  If I were ready, I would be there!   And yes, I know, at some intellectual level, that I am there already, and have been all the time.  But now I am just waiting patiently to Know that fully and experientially!  And loving life on the way to wholeness, loving the process of unfoldment.

Love to you readers,

Gary

At 5:00AM I awoke with at start.  Information was pouring in as if sent by God or some Other or perhaps from God within, the Source matters not.  The words were clear:  ”Gary, I need you to be open.  Do not be fixated to your own ideas.  Yes, be faithful to your own truth, but also to the truths of others.  You are not in charge.  I am.”

Then I was reminded that I had been working with Pathwork Lecture 257 that includes a pristine section on Communications.  Somehow that seemed to fit the exchange my co-leader and I had last night.

The Source continued, “You shall be in pain in this leadership job you are in to the degree you are wedded to your own ideas, frameworks, and structures.  Roll with the flow of ALL ideas.  Seek the Truth, the Truth in each moment, rather than inwardly defending your own static sense of truth.  And remember, people are NOT fragile.  They can handle The Truth just fine.  You do not have to take care of them. Rather, through your flexibility in hearing and integrating their views of Truth with your own you empower them — and yourself.”  Wasn’t sure what the words about people not being fragile meant, but I got the rest.

All I can say in response is, “Thanks, God, I needed that!”  And as I sit with and integrate this message I can feel tightness in my body relax.  I now enter the day with renewed energy and enthusiasm for the work at Sevenoaks, even when it sometimes feels so chaotic.  And looking at my calendar, today there will be some chaotic pieces to it I suspect.

In another lecture I am reading, Pathwork Lecture 205 Order as a Universal Principle, I can see that in backing way off, what up close feels chaotic from a distance feels entirely orderly. The goal, according to this lecture, is Presence and Awareness.  From deep awareness all is in divine order.  Let me take this in.

All good stuff for my day.  I am feeling thankful.

Today I shall be part of a critical Sevenoaks Finance Committee meeting.  Just in preparing for this meeting I could feel my frustration, my not understanding behaviors of others, and my wanting to just scream.

For various reasons in the midst of all this personal chaos related to Sevenoaks, I found myself deciding to record Pathwork Lecture 12.  As I did, I was nearly moved to tears.  The lecture spoke to how I, in my attitude and behavior related to my involvement with others in leadership at Sevenoaks, was caught up in adding to the reservoir of spiritual negativity that manifests in all kinds of disasters, including those of a global proportion such as the wars around the world and even the Gulf Oil crisis. I was indeed humbled.  Here are the few introductory paragraphs that struck me.

So my prayer as I go into this day with its various meetings is that I can be an instrument of peace rather than an instrument of disharmony.  May we all be blessed.  May we all add to the reservoir of peace, not the reservoir of war and destruction.

This weekend finds me at a Pathwork helpers retreat at Sevenoaks.  Here I am with 12 other helpers or helper apprentices, 13 of us in all. We have been together for only two hours, but I have already been blessed beyond words by an incident at the opening check-in, which, by the way, lasted 20 minutes past our intended 10 PM end time.  That’s right, all we have done so far in our 2 hours together is to check in — each stating where we are and what we are bringing to this retreat.

I checked in first, expressing my new awareness, awareness in that moment, of my fear of these beautiful people, fear of being truly myself with each one of them.

The Pathwork Lecture on which we are building the retreat is Lecture 95 — Self-Alienation and the Way Back to the Real Self.  The point of my sharing was that I felt some form of alienation from myself, some form of not showing up fully as “Gary” with each one of these people.  I noticed that for each one I would have a strategy for how I would show up that I thought would bring about connection with that particular other person. Parts of me would stay back and hide, especially aspects of my emotional side.  This was true with each person one-to-one.  I would show up differently with each person, always unconsciously looking for that magic person with whom I could be safe just being me.

And when I was with the group where I could not show up differently with each one because everyone was there, I would simply shut down or numb out the experience of really being with the group as a whole.  I would be there, but not really be there, at least not emotionally.  I would feel pretty isolated, controlling every word that came out of my mouth.  All of this behavior would be pretty much unconscious.

But wait, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  As I said, I was the first to check in, sharing fairly openly some of my new awareness of my fear at being there.  After I checked in one of the helpers looked across at me and said how much she was enjoying being in my presence. She and I meet a lot over the phone and it is mostly in a “business” kind of setting, usually having to get some issue addressed or some decision reached, but rarely just talking with the purpose of connecting.  So here she was enjoying being with me without my wearing one of the many hats I have taken on in our community of helpers.

I appreciated her stating this of course, but at 4:00 AM this morning I awoke with a jolt.  A key insight about my stance in life floated up, a “floating up during the night” being often the way that new personal insights arise in me. These moments of insight are such a grace for me.

The insight was the new awareness of my felt emotional response, or rather the absence of a felt emotional response, to my friend’s comment about enjoying being with me.  What I awoke with was the insight that when she affirmed her enjoyment at being with me, I immediately and unconsciously went to that place in me which said, “I wonder what I said or shared or what I had done leading up to this retreat that would have earned her enjoyment of being with me in person.”

I noticed that I was not open to the notion that the answer to this question was, “nothing.”  She was simply enjoying being with me in person for no particular reason.  I had not somehow merited her enjoyment at being with me. How could this be?  It didn’t compute. Did I not have to earn such a response from her?  Then I found myself asking, “Could this be true love that I was experiencing?” Was I experiencing being loved much as a baby would be loved for just being?  It seemed that the answer was, “Yes!”  Wow!  Now this is a big deal.

As the check-in proceeded, several of the group shared how much they had been loving new babies born into their families. I realized that I do not have that experience with babies.  I do not yet have the capacity to take in the simple purity of human life as expressed in a baby.  In the same way, I do not relate to pets.  For me babies and pets are beings that take a lot of work with no redeeming qualities.  So this experience with pets and babies, too, is a situation of unconditional love that I have not yet allowed myself to experience.

I further noticed how I behave to connect with another.  I say to myself, all unconsciously, “Perhaps if I am open and vulnerable enough people will love me.”  Or, “Perhaps if I am generous enough with my time and money people will love me.” Or, “Perhaps if my insights are brilliant enough people will love me.”  Again, all unconscious rationalizing and thinking going on inside my head.  But I do not yet get the truth that is, “Just enjoying being here with you while you are just enjoying being here with me IS love.” This truth, this possible experience of unconditional love, is something I am going to have adjust to.

So consider “baby Gary” here in the midst of the helper group.  People are taking me in just as I am in all my babyness.  But the one person who is not taking in “baby Gary” is ME. I myself do not relate to “baby Gary.” “Baby Gary” is not interesting, or conversational, or connecting, at least not connecting in ways familiar to me.  So I realize that this could be my opportunity to reconnect with “baby Gary,” connect with Gary emotionally, and this connecting being independent from any merit or trait or even his amazing cuteness in this form of being a baby. And this is also an opportunity to take in the baby in each of the others in my life, to love each one unconditionally with no particular reason except they exist as fellow human beings with me on this planet.

With this awareness, I have already gotten my money’s worth from our retreat, and all we have done so far is to check in.  I find I am grateful, or rather more grateful than I had heretofore allowed myself to be, for each person here in this retreat, including “baby Gary.”   Amazing. Perhaps I am beginning to experience love.

In this Mystery I check “knowing” in at the door.  When I am thereby robbed of knowing, or rather, come to awareness that Mystery is beyond my knowing, awareness that in Mystery I can’t know, I realize that all I can do is be. Just be.

I notice that this is a relief, this letting go of having to know to be safe and secure.  Somehow in letting go of knowing, or having to know, all that is left is Trust.  I do not have a Plan B.  Just Trust.  Just Be.  Just Breathe.  Just Float.

I notice this spaciousness is fluid, this Now is fluid.  There is no clinging to this Now, but rather I let this Now go and flow effortlessly into the next Now, and the next, and the next.

Perhaps I can bring curiosity to each of these Now moments.  Perhaps robbed of knowing, KNOWING happens.  Perhaps.

As I explored my heretofore resistance to the word God I got in touch with the fear I had, fear that this God, as a maximum authority figure in my younger life, would require me to do something or believe something that was not me, was not my true self.  If God were my maximum authority, this belief that God would require something of me that was not me meant that relating to this “God” would be self-alienating. Despite being taught over and over again that God is Love, in fact I did not relate to God as love but as a demanding authority who would take me away from myself. This was my image, my belief about God.   That seems to be my conundrum about God and has been at the heart of a lot of my resistance.

Where can I find peace? I notice that I have peace without anxiety when I feel secure and fulfilled being me. But somewhere I got the idea that “being me” was not OK, at least not in the presence of an authority figure.  I would have to comply with what the authority wanted me to be.  For example if Dad wanted me to be more social than I was, then not being more social than I was was not OK. In many areas of my life I came to equate authority with my feelings of “not being OK.” So this is another very influential belief or image.  And it applied to God in particular it seems.  With this image or belief, I could not find peace in God.

My life seemed to become one heavily influenced by compliance with, or avoidance of, or even rebellion against when it came to authority.  And the issue seemed to be alienation from my true self in most of these situations. I could not allow myself to really be me in the presence of a person to whom I had given authority. Including, of course, God.  So I would either not give authority to others, including God, and, in retaining that authority in my being, feel true to myself, or I would give authority to others, or God, and feel alienated from myself.  Either way, this not giving authority to others (including God) and “knowing” this rebellion to be covering some truth, or this giving authority to others (including God) and in the process feeling self-alienated, left me in anxiety most of the time. I could not win peace either way.

The Jesus-Christ-dying-for-my-sins message did not erase my self-alienation, for it left me still not-OK at my core but somehow Jesus “paid the price, allowing God to declare me OK before God, when in fact I was not feeling OK.  Somehow feeling OK “just as I am” is important to my sense of wellbeing.

“Purification” is another trigger word for me. Yuk.  Now I am to be purified because I am not OK “just as I am.”  But as I work my Pathwork with this, another picture comes to mind.  My Divine Essence, that within me that is One with All, My Higher Self, the Universal Self, IS pure, IS Truth, IS Love, IS Wisdom. It is my ultimate me. When identified with this ultimate me, I feel secure.

And yet another part of me, my Lower Self in Pathwork lingo, is full of Pride, Self-will, and, because of its insistence on being separate from the All, is full of Fear. While this is not all of me and not the ultimate me, it is, now, in this incarnation, a very real part of me.  This “contamination” needs to be purified, transformed so that the full strength of my true essence, my higher God-self, can come forth fully.  This is purification rightly understood. I am feeling better about the word “purification” when spoken in this way.

And there is another dimension to purification. Because I have this deep knowing that I have a Lower Self part of me that is truly “Not OK,” I go to great lengths to cover it up.  My Mask Self is born, and my Conscious Ego, also buying into this distortion that I am separate from the One, spends every waking hour trying to make my mask self comply with what it thinks is right and good. So I have the three mask forms: the Power Mask, the Love Mask, and the Serenity Mask, again using Pathwork Language.  Knowing that much of my self-image is tied up with my idealization of what I ought to be, I “try,” on my own, separate from my Divine Essence, to manifest what can be manifested only by tapping into and surrendering to my Divine Essence, a surrendering that is anathema to my ego.

So this is the second, or rather the first part, of purification: removing my mask so that the second part of purification, or real transformation, can take place with my Lower Self. Purification then is the only way to come to my Essential Self, and hence purification is the purpose of my existence.

And feelings of peace, joy, and security come in this process when I begin to be “OK” with myself, knowing and feeling secure in my Higher Self, at One with the All, while at the same time accepting all of me in my current state, including my Lower Self and my Mask Self.  This is self acceptance, even self valuing, while I go through purification.

So I hear a great call from God, “Gary, come forth! I welcome and accept all of you my beloved son.”  Now to evermore remember this and take this in.  I am beloved, and can feel beloved, just as I am, on the road of purification. On this road I feel pleasure and joy while in this purification process.  Heaven is not “out there,” something I am waiting for, but rather heaven is right here, right now, as I journey along the path of life.  Yes, “God,” …  ”God,”  … “God”, …

The workshop title: Opening the Gates of Heaven — Embodying God.  It was based upon Pathwork Lectures numbers 75, 172, and 173.  The material dealt with the energy centers of the body as defined by these Pathwork Lectures.

I had a revealing experience, ah “Aha” moment, in the exercise we did on the Saturday afternoon of the workshop.  In this 1-hour exercise we would approach altars set up for each of the six energy centers and then just see what came to us.  The experience for me was one of receiving a download at each altar, all making up a common theme: be fully in your body on this Earth plane! Be fully in your incarnation.  Feel everything. I guess it would be Ram Dass in his Be Here Now.

I would refer you to the write-up in Pathwork Lecture 172 on these centers.  They are paired: 1) Sexual (or Feeling or Pleasure) Center with 6) Crown, 2) Solar Plexus (Knowing) with 5) Third-Eye (Seeing), and 3) Will Center with 4) Throat (our capacity to ingest and digest).

In the exercise that brought me an “Aha” moment we were to spend ten minutes at each of six altars, one set up for each energy center — an hour total for the six centers.  I apparently was the only one who did the centers in the order of their pairing, beginning with 1), then its paired opposite 6), then 2), 5) 3) and finally 4).

Here is what happened.  For me 1), the sexual, feeling, pleasure center, represented my incarnation.  During my time there I knew it was right to be there.  At 6) I could sense connection to Spirit, but the message was clear, “Go back to 1),” which to me meant go back to my incarnation in this dualistic earth plane.  When I went to 2), the Solar Plexus, concerned with Knowing, I got the image of a Map and the message that this knowing, while important, was the map and not the territory.  The territory was at 1). The message, “Go back to 1).” At 5), the Third-Eye, this was about Seeing Truth, but again it was not the territory of Love.  For feelings and Love I was to go back to 1).  Then at 3) the Will Center I got that I was to be balanced and that I was to feel deeply (be present to) all that I thought and did — that is, back to 1).  Finally at 4), the Throat, the message was that while my digestive system sustained life, here spiritual life, living itself was at 1).   Every center pointed me to 1) the Sexual, Pleasure, Feeling Center, that is, a full embodiment and experience of my incarnation.

Of course those who know me know that things important to me I work with.  So it will come as no surprise that I diagrammed this experience and include it here as a PDF download (1.4m) for those who would be interested.  This set of slides helps crystalize the message for me.  The points for me are to feel all my feelings, that feeling and living are one, and that feelings are where my incarnational lessons await me.

After over an hour on the phone, she said, “Gary, I see your style of spirituality as a mystical style.” When I asked for clarification, she said, “You let yourself be touched deeply by life experiences, by the Pathwork Lectures, by other writings that resonate with you, and by people with whom you engage — your helpers, counselors, and many friends.”  For me this felt both true as well as a blind spot. I did not even recognize her clarifying descriptors as being “mystical” in style, though I seemed to see it instantly once it was pointed out to me.  I am filled with gratitude both for the loving mirroring as well as for the Grace it represents in realizing the truth of my mystical nature.

This event came on the heals of other graces poured into my life in the past ten days.  My brother Paul is a fan of Christian Schwarz in general and of Schwarz’s book: The 3 Colors of Your Spirituality in particular.  This book has helped us each understand ourselves and each other on deep spiritual levels.

This book identifies nine styles of spirituality: Sensory, Rational, Doctrinal, Scripture-driven, Sharing, Ascetic, Enthusiastic, Mystical, and Sacramental.  There is a test he gives.  We both took it.  Paul’s top three are: 1) Rational, 2) Scripture-driven, and 3) Enthusiastic.  My top three are: 1) Rational, 2) Pathwork-Lecture-driven (note, 15 years ago I would have been Scripture-driven), and 3) Mystical.  My fourth was Enthusiastic, close to Paul’s #3.  For Paul Mystical was #8, second from last.  So Paul and I are the same in #1 and #2, (good Lutherans as we were raised) but my high Mystical style is a sharp distinction between us.  How curious.

To get a deeper grasp on this Mystical style, Paul suggested I read Schwarz’s words on the Mystical Style.  I did.  It was indeed helpful.  (Download this 1-page description from Schwarz’s book)

Another facet of blessing.  In my most recent helper session a week ago my helper pointed out the strength of my rational side, how it grounds me and keeps me from being gullible.  She honors my passion for Pathwork, being Pathwork-lecture-driven so to speak.  That was helpful mirroring as well.  The rest of this helper session was spent exploring how I open my channel to the Divine, which I see now as this mystical side, this direct knowing, direct experiencing of God, of Life. How I value that, seek that. More blessings, more gratefulness.

Still another blessing.  In a recent blog entry I mentioned works by Cynthia Bourgeault on the topic of Jesus Christ. My friend Jeff thought I would be inspired by her writing.  Last weekend I was at a powerful workshop titled Opening the Gates of Heaven — Embodying God led by Alison Greene-Barton and Brian O’Donnell.   I’ll need to write about this powerful experience later, but it was why I was driving the 468 miles to and from Sevenoaks Pathwork Center and why I had time to listen to Cynthia’s entire book The Wisdom Jesus.

Some of the language, interpretations of the bible, and analogies didn’t work for me, but nevertheless I realized how much I resonated with what she was saying as the main points of her book. This was so helpful in my wrestling with Jesus Christ. Jeff was right.

Let me share two things that impacted me in The Wisdom Jesus.  First Cynthia pointed out, again a point I’ve been aware of for two decades, that the teachings of Jesus as recorded in the gospels focus not on going to heaven when we die but rather The Kingdom of God in the here and now. She uses the Beatitudes, for example, as a sermon where Jesus lays out some pretty challenging statements — blessed are the poor in spirit, etc.  I had been taught that much of these teachings, which clearly take the Ten Commandments to a much higher level, were intended to show us the way to behave, yes, but also to make us realize that we could not begin to live this righteously and therefore deserved “temporal and eternal punishment,” hence the need for Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross to “pay the price” for our redemption and entry into some future heaven when we die.

While Cynthia allowed that this was one interpretation, it was not the central meaning of Jesus’ teaching.  It wasn’t the reason people were drawn to Jesus before his death.  Rather, these lofty “commands” or ways of living were showing us how we would live once we “put on the mind of Christ,” or, in her interpretation, once we had experienced Christ consciousness from within.  It was saying, “This is how life really is when you grow in consciousness from dualistic to unitive consciousness.”  And of course you cannot will a growth in consciousness, but rather only allow for it to occur.

This is similar to the title of Pathwork Lecture 133 Love: Not a Commandment, But Spontaneous Soul Movement of the Inner Self.   We can will acts of love, but we can not will feelings of love. Feelings of love come from our inner divine self, God within.  The simple commandments: Love God above all and your neighbor as yourself, cannot be accomplished by the ego self. They occur only when we are transformed and governed from higher states of consciousness, our Higher Selves, Christ within, our Oneness with Christ within, however one wants to phrase this.

The second general blessing for me from Cynthia’s book is her noting that while bible-study can be good and bible study classes interesting, to facilitate transformation takes something else.  Transformation is not a rational process of the mind helped by study, even study of scriptures.  Transformation is a surrender of the mind, or rather an integration of the mind into that deep part within us which is the mind of Christ, our true Self.

Cynthia introduces the importance of meditation, specifically Centering Prayer popularized by Father Thomas Keating.  She then speaks of a sacred meditative reading of scriptures in a method called lectio divina.  She speaks of lectio divina classes rather than bible study classes.  I like that. Finally she introduces reading scripture out loud, even chanting.  All of these methods are intended to get past the rational mind to the heart.  While I’ve heard of these methods, Cynthia’s pointing out their purpose was helpful at this time.

I have started to integrate Centering Prayer into my morning practice.  And I can imagine not only “Pathwork Lecture Study” classes but “Pathwork lectio divina” classes.  And I realize how blessed I have been having spoken the lectures out loud in my recording project — and then listening to them in my own voice.  More blessings.

Well there is so much more that I may write on another time: the workshop I mentioned above, the new Tuesday Pathwork Series that Patty and I have started, my many conversations with Pat and my many friends, and so on.  I am aware and feeling my gratefulness for these past ten days. Truly my cup is overflowing with joy. May you experience your cup overflowing in whatever way that happens within you.  With love, Gary